Dissociation Talk

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The last thing Smith said to me in his office, in December 2004, when I saw him for 15 min, for medication, after terminating, and I asked him: "Why are my medical records inaccurate?" He would not look at me, shook his head, and said: "Good luck with your legal pursuits." No other communication since then from him, despite the fact I have called him asking for information. What his comment missed what this is/was not about a Legal Quest. It was about my sanity, which had been assaulted and shattered and broken. And the Sane World I thought I lived in, 2005, healthcare professionals from a prestigious institution, NYU, were responsible to me in ways defined by law and practice. They were not my "friends," they were professionals I paid money to help with the difficulties I faced in my life. This IS circular, because on May 13, 2004, I was asking for help with things I cannot do, when frightened, and that day it about getting my mail. Victoria Rivamonte, PsyD, attacked me in a way no professional with a liscence to practice should ever have the right to do. Compared to then, and the wake of her abuse, my problems are a mountain compared to a molehill. But that’s when it started. Rivamonte broke her professional contract to me, it happened before that date, too. And so did Matthew B. Smith, MD, by refusing to act on the facts of abuse, or by responding in a life-threatening emergency, which litterally fried my brain with chemicals, and further propelled me into dissociation, unable to stay alive by no other means other than Magical Thinking. That will keep you alive for a while. But when the structures crumble, as they most oftend do, Reality is worse ~ It is a retrogressive undoing that pulls out months or years of "reality" coding. That is a brain machine gone amuck, not unlike a virus destroying the body. Mathew B. Smith, MD, and Victoria Rivamonte, PsyD You almost killed with your abuse, neglect, and misconduct. You make puke. One day, if not today, I will make sure your professional colleagues know you are no different from child abusers who take money and kick you in the head, and run. Because I was no different from a child in my compromises mental status after the abuse on May 13, 2004. Virginia Hooper

Virginia: Have you thought about maybe making a fresh start somewhere else and leaving all those people behind you?  I went through something like that in 1998, and it took 6 years and being in another country before I stopped obsessing about it and could start to work productively again.

Response:

Matthew B. Smith & Victoria Rivamonte You are garbage.

Response:

Which one of you lied ~ ? Or both. Your "stories" did not match up.

Response:

Which one of you lied ~ ? Or both. Your "stories" did not match up. It does not matter too much, because both of you left me to die. No metaphor.

Response:

The last thing Smith said to me in his office, in December 2004, when I saw him for 15 min, for medication, after terminating, and I asked him: "Why are my medical records inaccurate?" He would not look at me, shook his head, and said: "Good luck with your legal pursuits." No other communication since then from him, despite the fact I have called him asking for information. What his comment missed what this is/was not about a Legal Quest. It was about my sanity, which had been assaulted and shattered and broken. And the Sane World I thought I lived in, 2005, healthcare professionals from a prestigious institution, NYU, were responsible to me in ways defined by law and practice. They were not my "friends," they were professionals I paid money to help with the difficulties I faced in my life. This IS circular, because on May 13, 2004, I was asking for help with things I cannot do, when frightened, and that day it about getting my mail. Victoria Rivamonte, PsyD, attacked me in a way no professional with a liscence to practice should ever have the right to do. Compared to then, and the wake of her abuse, my problems are a mountain compared to a molehill. But that’s when it started. Rivamonte broke her professional contract to me, it happened before that date, too. And so did Matthew B. Smith, MD, by refusing to act on the facts of abuse, or by responding in a life-threatening emergency, which litterally fried my brain with chemicals, and further propelled me into dissociation, unable to stay alive by no other means other than Magical Thinking. That will keep you alive for a while. But when the structures crumble, as they most oftend do, Reality is worse ~ It is a retrogressive undoing that pulls out months or years of "reality" coding. That is a brain machine gone amuck, not unlike a virus destroying the body. Mathew B. Smith, MD, and Victoria Rivamonte, PsyD You almost killed with your abuse, neglect, and misconduct. You make puke. One day, if not today, I will make sure your professional colleagues know you are no different from child abusers who take money and kick you in the head, and run. Because I was no different from a child in my compromises mental status after the abuse on May 13, 2004. Virginia Hooper

Response:

Question:

links to the stone age chiseled out: oral surgery on December 6 No, I’m afraid that won’t work out for me.

Pity. I was going to distribute free Xanaxes. had pre-op The Duke

Ellington? of Earl Hines? had doo wop

Was he treated for that (by Dr. John maybe?) try not to *awfulize* about possible cardiovascular and/or pulmonary disease They would NOT have the surgery unless they felt that your condition in that regard was on solid ground now. This isn’t emergency surgery that would have them weigh ‘benefits vs. downside’ because of your heart.

They are now finding out whether they CAN do the surgery because they did an ECG & a thorax X-Ray (and bloodwork ands peework If all is fine there is no problem, if they find something there is one. As simple as that. Get that thought outta your head, and be more realistic. Yes, anything can happen during any sort of surgery. I know that a year and a half ago when I had mine, I thought of one thing, and one thing only.

I’m not afraid of being under because I won’t be there to experience it. I *am* scared of waking up in panic which is a distinct possibility. I was going to the surgery center, they’d put me out – and I’d sorta know where I was but not really – not until I was home on the sofa, out of it on narcotics and sipping 7UP.

That’s great. Truly, that was my exact imagery in the weeks before my surgery. Join me in a 7UP?  I’ll buy.

Mine is diet Coke. Thanx. P. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

"What sound or noise do you hate?" I dislike the sound of construction equipment being used on the road/buildings when I’m waking up early in the A.M. – thankfully it doesn’t happen a lot. Gary — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

links to the stone age chiseled out: They are now finding out whether they CAN do the surgery because they did an ECG & a thorax X-Ray (and bloodwork ands peework If all is fine there is no problem, if they find something there is one. As simple as that. Then your fear on that aspect is unfounded.

Why is that? My first fear is that they will find something which woud not be spectacularly strange as I’m 57, have not always had a healthy way of life  and haven’t had a check-up in decades. I may be *awfulizing* about it but it’s not completely unrealistic. (Please note how certain folks you are also aware of brought my *jargon* up to date I’m not afraid of being under because I won’t be there to experience it. I *am* scared of waking up in panic which is a distinct possibility. No no no it isn’t. The drugs just won’t allow that to happen. Of all the ‘out of control – where am I? – I’m going to panic’ places…. a/ you’ll be in a place where they’ll hit you up with tranx so fast no panic can live; even cockroaches would stop moving.

LOL. I’ll insist on that before the procedure. b/ you’ll be sedated sooo much that when you wake, you’ll hardly even know that you have (which is a kewl feeling, really). I’ve been there on several occasions – only once since panic disorder. It’s virtually impossible to panic when you wake up.

I appreciate your effort to reassure me but I know a number of people who *did* panic upon waking up. It’s not unheard of to experience some degree of *dissociation*, to the point of having what is known as *post-operative anxiety delirium* (I translated this literally from the Dutch but you’ll get my drift). Recently a friend of mine who had a far more serious operation pulled all the tubes etc out of his body in blind panic, ran away, was found on the floor near the hospital’s exit and subsequently died. I’m not saying this will happen to me, I won’t even have tubes in me but it is very well possible that some degree of dissociation will occur. The funny thing is that both TCA’s and benzo’s can actually contribute to this and I take both. I know very well that I will survive so although it is a concern of mine I’m not really awfulizing about it (well, ok, a bit but it is patently untrue that "it’s virtually impossible to panic when you wake up." If you want to worry, you’ll have to find another avenue.

I’ll do my best to think of something   Mine is diet Coke. Thanx. No problem – diet Coke it is. 7UP is my ‘chicken soup’/sick drink; my regular drink of choice is Diet Pepsi.

Hehe. I am addicted to Diet Coca Cola and that’s the truth. Philip (McPhil of the Phobic McPhils) — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate?

I am beginning to detest the sound of shuffling feet but I am finding that a lot of sounds are becoming like fingernails on blackboards to me. This is a recent phenomena that I have no explanation for. — Ron P Just remember….if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate?

Mice scratching in the attic.  That gives me the willies! — _TJ_ <TJ_IREL at YAHOO dot IE — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – links to the stone age chiseled out: What sound or noise do you hate? the dental drill AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH! I think it’s more like…..  bzzzzzzz-zzIIIng-bzzzzzzz-zzIIIng

Sure. The AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH was *me*. P. (oral surgery on December 6, had pre-op today and now try not to *awfulize* about possible cardiovascular and/or pulmonary disease) — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? the dental drill Chip

AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH! p. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

::What sound or noise do you hate? Quads, leaf blowers, cat fights during the night, fingernails on the chalkboard, snoring, crickets, distorted bass sound coming from car speakers turned all the way up & sirens. Jackie ~*~…. humility is the lesson, life is the classroom, all people are my teachers, and class is never over~*~    ~~ Sheila Price — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Electronic music, the kind that childrens toys and some greeting cards are loaded with.   Jess — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Chewing, swallowing …… actually any mouth noise  ……. ahhhhhhhhh, I hate it! Love Cathy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? Jackie ~*~…. humility is the lesson, life is the classroom, all people are my teachers, and class is never over~*~   ~~ Sheila Price — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

"phobia"  wrote Chewing, swallowing …… actually any mouth noise  ……. ahhhhhhhhh, I hate it! Love Cathy

My mom is the same way. All those commercials with people crunching and slurping and smacking their lips get her grumblling, "I don’t know why they have to show that!" Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate?

the dental drill Chip — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? Jackie ~*~…. humility is the lesson, life is the classroom, all people are my teachers, and class is never over~*~    ~~ Sheila Price

Chalk, when it squeaks on a black board, screaming children, an alarm clock when I’m having a great dream, car horns directed at me… Sally — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? Jackie ~*~…. humility is the lesson, life is the classroom, all people are my teachers, and class is never over~*~    ~~ Sheila Price — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

"Jacqueline"  wrote 11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? Jackie

Any sudden, loud, sharp noise, including fireworks. Children shrieking, even in play. The neighbor’s pet bird, possibly a pterodactyl mutation, whose raaawwwkkk ought to be in a horror movie. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate?

You will probably get this a lot but the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard is horrible!!  I also cannot stand the sound of a gun being fired in my presence.  It takes me back to when I was a little girl and my dad having target practice. Vicki — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

ANYTHING that is loud and startling. smiles, Elise

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "Jacqueline"  wrote 11/25/05: Todays question is being brought to you by our very own Deirdre  :) What sound or noise do you hate? Jackie Any sudden, loud, sharp noise, including fireworks. Children shrieking, even in play. The neighbor’s pet bird, possibly a pterodactyl mutation, whose raaawwwkkk ought to be in a horror movie. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Question:

Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. Wrong.  It’s 2:00 now, dammit. I rest my case, 3:23 am.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – looking for ppl who have had real experience with this med—i’ve read all the patient info booklets and have gone to the Eli Lilly website to read up on it too did you see a difference immediately or did it take while to "kick in"?? I’ve been on it for about 10 days now.  It’s starting to work. I’ve been able to study for several hours at a time without getting that caged-animal feeling.  I think I like it better than Ritalin so far.  My doc said I could take half a dose of Ritalin with Strattera, but I’ve stopped the Ritalin because together they seem to make me anxious, though neither does alone.

Hey, great that it’s starting to work! Even better that you found out the combo of both meds was making you anxious… Ritalin and Effexor XR together brought me out in hives when neither did alone. any side effects?? A little nausea, which is improving.  Taking it after you eat reduces the nausea.  Besides, you may not want to eat anything for several hours after you take it, so if you take it before supper, you’ll be skipping supper. I’ve been waking up at around 3:00 a.m. (now it’s 4:00, thanks to daylight savings  Sometimes I can eventually get back to sleep, sometimes I’m up for the day.  It makes me sleepy a few hours after I take it, so I take it around dinnertime and go to bed at around 10:00.  I think I’ve heard it’s unpredictable whether it will make you sleepy or alert after you take it. Right after I started it, I felt kind of creepily euphoric for a few days — like I had smoked a joint several hours ago and I didn’t really feel good anymore, but was still disoriented.  It wasn’t really a good feeling.

{{{Patti}}} Waking up in the middle of the night is a right pain, if only Strattera didn’t make you sleepy! Maybe that side-effect will wear off after a while so you could try it in the morning? Vashti

Response:

Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John ….

There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking.

Response:

– ~Patti Reply to ohush at unc dot edu

Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. Wrong.  It’s 2:00 now, dammit. I rest my case, 3:23 am.

I woke up at around 2:00 a.m. and stayed in bed for an hour hoping I would fall asleep again.  I thought you were never going to correspond with me again. So shall I share your delusions with the rest of the class, Ms. Hooper?  You know I wouldn’t do that, or you wouldn’t be baiting me.  OTOH, I know from personal experience that you will communicate mangled versions of things I’ve told you in confidence for your benefit to others, including my name. If you would like to have this discussion publicly, keep this crap up.

Response:

Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking.

She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive.

Response:

ng. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive.

  Good advice.

Response:

thanks for your post and input—i attempted to email you to thank you personally but it kept getting returned saying no known user or address not valid or something like that (and yes i did remove the X) so as unpersonal as this may seem—thank you very much PS my email is "somewhat" open if you wish to respond—that prob means spammers will have a field day with it

Response:

thanks for your post and input—i attempted to email you to thank you personally but it kept getting returned saying no known user or address not valid or something like that (and yes i did remove the X) so as unpersonal as this may seem—thank you very much

You’re welcome. PS my email is "somewhat" open if you wish to respond—that prob means spammers will have a field day with it

So’s mine when I post from Google Groups.  I e-mailed you from my UNC account just now.  I tested it and it is working.  If when you respond it still doesn’t work for some reason, you can try –Patti

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive.

You and "Twittering One" have identified a tough issue.  When a person like T.O. has a very serious problem and expresses her feelings she is likely to be ignored by others because of how it sounds. _g

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Reply to ohush at unc dot edu Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. Wrong.  It’s 2:00 now, dammit. I rest my case, 3:23 am. I woke up at around 2:00 a.m. and stayed in bed for an hour hoping I would fall asleep again.  I thought you were never going to correspond with me again. So shall I share your delusions with the rest of the class, Ms. Hooper?  You know I wouldn’t do that, or you wouldn’t be baiting me.  OTOH, I know from personal experience that you will communicate mangled versions of things I’ve told you in confidence for your benefit to others, including my name. If you would like to have this discussion publicly, keep this crap up.

That wasn’t a good night for sleep.  I checked that post and found out TO was correct about the time.  Not good…  My solution… forget it. _g

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive. You and "Twittering One" have identified a tough issue.  When a person like T.O. has a very serious problem and expresses her feelings she is likely to be ignored by others because of how it sounds.

I don’t know that she sounds delusional per se but she certainly comes across as having _some_ kind of problem of such a nature that one questions her contact with objective reality, and if she considers any advice in the nature of "if you continue to come across this way you will have difficulty engaging in any kind of successful litigation" to be "abuse" then she pretty much confirms that view. — –John to email, dial "usenet" and validate (was jclarke at eye bee em dot net)

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive. You and "Twittering One" have identified a tough issue.  When a person like T.O. has a very serious problem and expresses her feelings she is likely to be ignored by others because of how it sounds. I don’t know that she sounds delusional per se but she certainly comes across as having _some_ kind of problem of such a nature that one questions her contact with objective reality, and if she considers any advice in the nature of "if you continue to come across this way you will have difficulty engaging in any kind of successful litigation" to be "abuse" then she pretty much confirms that view.

Yes. I can understand that a calm, self-assured person comes across as being a believable and trustworthy source. … Appearing ‘flakey’ or being distraught & incoherent isn’t nearly as effective. Nevertheless, when the plaintiff is asserting that her former health caregivers have driven her to a state of rabid, suicidal, dissociation for months on end …  … wouldn’t "calm & collected" be a tad delluding ? Of course, you are quite correct, herein. …     … Do you think that "calm & collected" combined with a straight-jacket fashion accessory would work, here?    How about using as actor as a ’stand in’ to simulate the tetimony, eh?      … the sceenplay that is utilized would have to be a sworn affidavit, naturally. RL – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – — –John to email, dial "usenet" and validate (was jclarke at eye bee em dot net)

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive. You and "Twittering One" have identified a tough issue.  When a person like T.O. has a very serious problem and expresses her feelings she is likely to be ignored by others because of how it sounds. I don’t know that she sounds delusional per se but she certainly comes across as having _some_ kind of problem of such a nature that one questions her contact with objective reality, and if she considers any advice in the nature of "if you continue to come across this way you will have difficulty engaging in any kind of successful litigation" to be "abuse" then she pretty much confirms that view. Yes. I can understand that a calm, self-assured person comes across as being a believable and trustworthy source. … Appearing ‘flakey’ or being distraught & incoherent isn’t nearly as effective. Nevertheless, when the plaintiff is asserting that her former health caregivers have driven her to a state of rabid, suicidal, dissociation for months on end …  … wouldn’t "calm & collected" be a tad delluding ? Of course, you are quite correct, herein. …     … Do you think that "calm & collected" combined with a straight-jacket fashion accessory would work, here?    How about using as actor as a ’stand in’ to simulate the tetimony, eh?      … the sceenplay that is utilized would have to be a sworn affidavit, naturally.

Who said anything about "calm and collected"?  If what she says is true she has every right to be angry and distraught.  The problem is that she is not coming across as "angry and distraught", she’s coming across as _irrational_.  Rational and foaming at the mouth is fine–if what she says is true she has every right to be foaming at the mouth angry.  Calm, collected, and irrational isn’t fine, and that’s her problem–she’s coming across not as _angry_ but as someone whose relationship with objective reality is tenuous at best.  Put her on the stand and no matter how calm and collected and self-assured she appears to be, if she answers reasonable questions with "you’re abusing me" the jury is going to have no difficulty at all finding reasonable doubt as to the validity of her claims that she has been abused.  And that is pretty much what she did in the extant example–someone made a reasonable suggestion to her and rather than taking it in the spirit intended she accused them of abuse. — –John to email, dial "usenet" and validate (was jclarke at eye bee em dot net)

Response:

John, May I borrow you shot gun? Does a toe rech the trigger? I have completed The Anonymously Funded Study ~ A What Data Point Does A Person Give Up Without solid, real tangible Positive Reinforcement.

Response:

The world is a dreadfully ugly, in humane place, Not much different now, than 2000 years ago. Laws have failed, If formulated correctly, Their reinfocement is an unfunny joke.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. There is evidence it works better for women than men.  John’s poroblem was quite rare….But maybe you are joking. She was joking.  I told her privately that *in my opinion* she needs to get effective therapy and heal herself before she pursues her legal battle because she *sounds* delusional and people are unlikely to take her seriously in her current condition.  She says that was abusive. You and "Twittering One" have identified a tough issue.  When a person like T.O. has a very serious problem and expresses her feelings she is likely to be ignored by others because of how it sounds. I don’t know that she sounds delusional per se but she certainly comes across as having _some_ kind of problem of such a nature that one questions her contact with objective reality, and if she considers any advice in the nature of "if you continue to come across this way you will have difficulty engaging in any kind of successful litigation" to be "abuse" then she pretty much confirms that view.

I agree.  "O’Hush’s" advice was sound. When things are bad it’s easy to blame someone who tells the truth, but it only makes things worse. _g

Response:

John, May I borrow you shot gun? Does a toe rech the trigger? I have completed The Anonymously Funded Study ~ A What Data Point Does A Person Give Up Without solid, real tangible Positive Reinforcement.

Twittering One, you may not realize it because of communication style differences, but Patti is trying to be your friend. _g

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Reply to ohush at unc dot edu Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John …. Wrong.  It’s 2:00 now, dammit. I rest my case, 3:23 am. I woke up at around 2:00 a.m. and stayed in bed for an hour hoping I would fall asleep again.  I thought you were never going to correspond with me again. So shall I share your delusions with the rest of the class, Ms. Hooper?  You know I wouldn’t do that, or you wouldn’t be baiting me.  OTOH, I know from personal experience that you will communicate mangled versions of things I’ve told you in confidence for your benefit to others, including my name. If you would like to have this discussion publicly, keep this crap up. That wasn’t a good night for sleep.  I checked that post and found out TO was correct about the time.  Not good…  My solution… forget it.

I hate to belabor such a silly point, but I meant that I am now waking up at 2:00 a.m., not that it was 2:00 a.m. when I posted.   –Patti

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – looking for ppl who have had real experience with this med—i’ve read all the patient info booklets and have gone to the Eli Lilly website to read up on it too did you see a difference immediately or did it take while to "kick in"?? I’ve been on it for about 10 days now.  It’s starting to work. I’ve been able to study for several hours at a time without getting that caged-animal feeling.  I think I like it better than Ritalin so far.  My doc said I could take half a dose of Ritalin with Strattera, but I’ve stopped the Ritalin because together they seem to make me anxious, though neither does alone. Hey, great that it’s starting to work! Even better that you found out the combo of both meds was making you anxious… Ritalin and Effexor XR together brought me out in hives when neither did alone.

It’s working for stuff like social skills and focus, but it’s not great for motivation. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – any side effects?? A little nausea, which is improving.  Taking it after you eat reduces the nausea.  Besides, you may not want to eat anything for several hours after you take it, so if you take it before supper, you’ll be skipping supper. I’ve been waking up at around 3:00 a.m. (now it’s 4:00, thanks to daylight savings  Sometimes I can eventually get back to sleep, sometimes I’m up for the day.  It makes me sleepy a few hours after I take it, so I take it around dinnertime and go to bed at around 10:00.  I think I’ve heard it’s unpredictable whether it will make you sleepy or alert after you take it. Right after I started it, I felt kind of creepily euphoric for a few days — like I had smoked a joint several hours ago and I didn’t really feel good anymore, but was still disoriented.  It wasn’t really a good feeling. {{{Patti}}} Waking up in the middle of the night is a right pain, if only Strattera didn’t make you sleepy! Maybe that side-effect will wear off after a while so you could try it in the morning?

The nausea has worn off.  I’m not sure whether the sleep deprivation has caught up with me or what, but ATM I can’t keep my eyes open. (It’s 4:26.  Everybody check your watch. –Patti

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looking for ppl who have had real experience with this med—i’ve read all the patient info booklets and have gone to the Eli Lilly website to read up on it too did you see a difference immediately or did it take while to "kick in"?? any side effects?? appetite changes?? sexual side effects?? thanks in advance for any input

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looking for ppl who have had real experience with this med—i’ve read all the patient info booklets and have gone to the Eli Lilly website to read up on it too did you see a difference immediately or did it take while to "kick in"?? any side effects?? appetite changes?? sexual side effects?? thanks in advance for any input

Google Groups is your friend.  There has been extensive discussion of it here.  Personally I discovered the hard way that in rare cases it induces psychosis. — –John to email, dial "usenet" and validate (was jclarke at eye bee em dot net)

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looking for ppl who have had real experience with this med—i’ve read all the patient info booklets and have gone to the Eli Lilly website to read up on it too did you see a difference immediately or did it take while to "kick in"??

I’ve been on it for about 10 days now.  It’s starting to work.  I’ve been able to study for several hours at a time without getting that caged-animal feeling.  I think I like it better than Ritalin so far.  My doc said I could take half a dose of Ritalin with Strattera, but I’ve stopped the Ritalin because together they seem to make me anxious, though neither does alone. any side effects??

A little nausea, which is improving.  Taking it after you eat reduces the nausea.  Besides, you may not want to eat anything for several hours after you take it, so if you take it before supper, you’ll be skipping supper. I’ve been waking up at around 3:00 a.m. (now it’s 4:00, thanks to daylight savings  Sometimes I can eventually get back to sleep, sometimes I’m up for the day.  It makes me sleepy a few hours after I take it, so I take it around dinnertime and go to bed at around 10:00.  I think I’ve heard it’s unpredictable whether it will make you sleepy or alert after you take it. Right after I started it, I felt kind of creepily euphoric for a few days — like I had smoked a joint several hours ago and I didn’t really feel good anymore, but was still disoriented.  It wasn’t really a good feeling. appetite changes??

No, once the nausea passes.  I think I’m eating about the same as before. sexual side effects??

Nothing frustrating, and nothing I’d really want to say on usenet.  E-mail me if you want specifics. ohush at unc dot edu (or take out the "x" to reply)

Response:

Hush, I do believe the Straterra may be causing you delusions. Speak with John ….

Response:

Check PsychoBabble

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any side effects?? I’ve been waking up at around 3:00 a.m. (now it’s 4:00, thanks to daylight savings

Wrong.  It’s 2:00 now, dammit.

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Question:

"O, Deade Folk, too, we know ~ ’cause we near ~ Folly

"Cold duck?" ~ Molly?

Response:

"O, Deade Folk, too, we know ~ ’cause we near ~ Folly "Cold duck?" ~ Molly? "No, know ~ Nothing but The Best, Dommmmme Perginon, or Mumms, or Cristolfe, or Perrier Jouet. Nothing less, but The Best." ~ Mer Loleil "Pee King ~ !" ~ Twittering

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"Where’s our Pet Peacock’s play toy? Plenty angry, she Wanting her play toy, too ~ !" ~ Sir Cumference

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"Soggy, these smores, no? What’s more, My chocolate’s smudged." ~ Justin "Justice ~ Needs shortening Without which no biscuit is crisp." ~ Alfred "O, here, how about a Graham, Jorie? Or, A cracker with brie and pepper?" ~ Arrowroot "A tad of advice, Justice ~ Go For a nice short quote from Barkleys, pithy, pointed, and pertinent. Hope that helps." ~ Folly "Rejoins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oh Spasmic counsel from canary conceited by doting owners On astronomy On cosmology? ‘Potery’? . . . . . . . . . . Er, sheesh. Hen, stow it." ~ Justine International "Agent Canary, said ~ ‘Work With Me,’ so, alas, I am attempting to ~ Exhibit 1. Be Polite. Exhibit 2. Be Hopeful. Exhibit 3. Be Honest. Exhibit 4. Stand Up For Myself, as Best I Am Able. Exhibit 5. Use My Experience To Help Others, Less Able. ~ * ~ "We have your #2." ~ Agent Canary "O, we do, 2." ~ Roberta Morganbowow "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr ~ !" ~ Lucy Fur Syn da Frank’s Weiner "You have Exhibit 2. Be Hopeful? Is that all? Not enough." ~ Twittering "But what about the birds?" ~ Molly "And the minerals and flora And fauna?" ~ Folly "I want my Mum, and Capsicum, too ~ Know ~ ! As, well, Leonardo." ~ Twittering "Where’s my Precious Munchkin from Oz?" ~ Capsicum "Here ~ !" ~ Twittering *

Response:

"… & lottsa Dogs." ~ Twittering

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ~ ! A Morning Wood Merciful Mercurial Maniacal Emergency * * * ! "I don’t mean to be contrary (it comes naturally), And this is one of those cases where I do care With whatever passes for sincerity In my world, but … well I don’t think there’s a nice way To say it. I’ll try, though. I’m probably way off-base With this anyway. Is Usenet ~ a public, searchable, indefinitely ~ archived Network ~ really the place You want to look for support after such an experience, Ms. Hooper?" ~ Random "Why not?" ~ Twittering "At 33 or 34, In such a populous area, and for a person Such as Yourself, I’d find it surprising if you didn’t have friends Off the wire." ~ Random "O, you mean ~ Etherized, too? My only friends now, on balance, & some Polar Bears et ~ Twittering

I’d be hard-pressed to show you any on-balance human. Precious few of us are okay. Are you working there, at 33rd & Byrd? It seems like a nice enough place. Not sure if fowl are really the friends you need, though. Why not Usenet… well… the lack of intimacy. The pallid shade of human affection. The unreality of it. It’s a dissociation from ‘real’ humanity. It disconnects you from who and what are actually around, actually available. All of this Internet stuff you’re going about… it’s all an escape. But it’s temporary. At some point, you still have to lay down in a real bed, go out on a real street, talk to real people, if only superficially. It isn’t helping much. That, and the assholes that meet you on Usenet have a lot more potential to be damaging, to be counterproductive with regard to emotional support and recovery. A stranger on the street doesn’t know your name. He doesn’t know your pain, what you’ve gone through. He doesn’t know where you live, where you hang out, what you used to do, what you do now. He hasn’t read the complaints, doesn’t know what’s been done to you. He can’t use it against you. Do you go out at all? Hang out, other than at 33rd or with the polar bears?

Response:

"I’d be hard ~ pressed to show you Any on ~ balance human. Precious few of us are okay. Are you working there, At 33rd & Byrd? It seems like a nice enough place. Not sure if fowl Really are the friends you need, though." ~ Random "No, not, the foul Just follow." ~ Twittering "… the lack of intimacy. The pallid shade of human affection. The unreality of it. It’s a dissociation from The Real Humanity. It disconnects you From who and what are actually around,

Actually available." ~ Random "O, yes, I agree. But now, it’s all I’ve got." ~ Twittering "At some point, you still have to lay Down in a real bed, Go out on a real street, Talk to real people, if only superficially." ~ Random "O, I agree. For now, it’s my only contact. But O, I want Real." ~ Twittering "A stranger on the street Doesn’t know your name, doesn’t know your pain, What you’ve gone through, doesn’t know where you live, Where you hang out, What you used to do, What you do now. H. hasn’t read the complaints, Doesn’t know what’s been done to you. H. can’t use it against you." ~ Random "H. knows, but there’s nothing To use Against me. All done.  Nothing Much more to lose." ~ Twittering "Do you go out at all? Hang out, Other than at 33rd or with the polar bears?" ~ Random "Borders. Dunkin Donuts. The Hospital Coffee Shop. That’s ’bout it." ~ Twittering

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "I’d be hard ~ pressed to show you Any on ~ balance human. Precious few of us are okay. Are you working there, At 33rd & Byrd? It seems like a nice enough place. Not sure if fowl Really are the friends you need, though." ~ Random "No, not, the foul Just follow." ~ Twittering "… the lack of intimacy. The pallid shade of human affection. The unreality of it. It’s a dissociation from The Real Humanity. It disconnects you From who and what are actually around, Actually available." ~ Random "O, yes, I agree. But now, it’s all I’ve got." ~ Twittering

For now? Or now and forever? "At some point, you still have to lay Down in a real bed, Go out on a real street, Talk to real people, if only superficially." ~ Random "O, I agree. For now, it’s my only contact. But O, I want Real." ~ Twittering

It’s not going to come and get you, or so we should hope. It’s up to you to go and get It. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "A stranger on the street Doesn’t know your name, doesn’t know your pain, What you’ve gone through, doesn’t know where you live, Where you hang out, What you used to do, What you do now. H. hasn’t read the complaints, Doesn’t know what’s been done to you. H. can’t use it against you." ~ Random "H. knows, but there’s nothing To use Against me. All done.  Nothing Much more to lose." ~ Twittering

The perfect position: nothing to lose. It means you can walk a couple blocks, sit down, and gamble on a group of strangers. If you lose, you’ve lost nothing. http://www.google.com/maps?q=Cafe&near=10016&hl=en Bring Folly. A good conversation piece and ice breaker, and hopefully (he? she?) will make you feel a little more comfortable while you’re out. "Do you go out at all? Hang out, Other than at 33rd or with the polar bears?" ~ Random "Borders. Dunkin Donuts. The Hospital Coffee Shop. That’s ’bout it." ~ Twittering

I’m not too familiar with the area, being that I’m in (not from) S. Fla and have never been near where you are. But I meet a lot of people from that region and it seems to me that, as unpleasant and misguided as I find them, they generally mean well in their own ways. I’ve found that Starbucks is an excellent place to meet any sort of person. Lord knows, they’re not paying five bucks for the shitty drinks… I generally just want them to shut up and go away, but I’m rather misanthropic. Your mileage will certainly vary. Anyway… I don’t really have anything else to say, and I really don’t like cross-posting (alt.astronomy?). I don’t know if I’ve been of any help, but I hope I have. You’ve got my email address in all of these posts, if you want it for any reason. Good luck, ma’am.

Response:

~ ! A Morning Wood Merciful Mercurial Maniacal Emergency * * * ! "I don’t mean to be contrary (it comes naturally), And this is one of those cases where I do care With whatever passes for sincerity In my world, but … well I don’t think there’s a nice way To say it. I’ll try, though. I’m probably way off-base With this anyway. Is Usenet ~ a public, searchable, indefinitely ~ archived Network ~ really the place You want to look for support after such an experience, Ms. Hooper?" ~ Random "Why not?" ~ Twittering "At 33 or 34, In such a populous area, and for a person Such as Yourself, I’d find it surprising if you didn’t have friends Off the wire." ~ Random "O, you mean ~ Etherized, too? My only friends now, on balance, & some Polar Bears et ~ Twittering

Response:

"O, Deade Folk, too, we know ~ ’cause we near ~ Folly

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "WHY am I targeted with your commercials. Why can’t I have a whole show Its bull." ~ Mum "O, exactly ~ ! Subliminal Seductino sucks up, suck the life outta ya ~ Like you told me Mum ~ Don’t give away the milk If the cow’s not cared for, taken care of ~ Or, Aka, Don’t let ya Therapist Rape ya ~ Ya pay the Bill, Ya come back for more, But O, Whatdya left with ~ ? A bill, subliminal suction, no lover, And pretty soon ~ !NO HOPE!" ~ Twittering "Merci, Mum. Good lesson Reminder. Please don’t stop. ’cause, like, we’re real dopes. !Love you!" ~ Folly

I must be getting better I understood this one to the letter free images without fetter no, not scarlet at all the notes colored like chedder! lol —-== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com – Unlimited-Uncensored-Secure Usenet News==—- http://www.newsfeeds.com The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! 120,000+ Newsgroups —-= East and West-Coast Server Farms – Total Privacy via Encryption =—-

Response:

~ * A Bon Noir … … to you, Too ~ ! Years. An eternity." ~ Rocky "Fool, use your Ears ~ ! Hear me Cry for you …" ~ Twittering "Before Breakfast, @ least 13 Impossible Things." ~ Capsicum ~ * ~ ~ * ~ A Sign,  A Boarded Shingle Hung Out TO Dry ~ * ~ ! * ! Sonic Triptych * ~ ~ ~ 5 Musical Selections ~ ~ * * ~ i.    The Impish Polite Noir Cop Inspector! ii.   The Agitated Annotator! iii.  Her Brief’s Case Won! iv.  Cranky b4 Not Apres Mid ~ Noir! v.   L’Heurs Anima Anus, O, Alas! ~ * ~ ~ ~ Yes ~ A Morning Wood Roadside Semi ~ OTIC * Dogging Arts * Fogging Minds * It’s a Star * ~ * ~ * ^oo^        ^oo^ ~,~~,~     ~,~~,~ An Idleness of Isle, Where we embark On a swan’s sailing craft, reflecting pool’s moon ~ Lit way …" ~ Mer LoLeil ~ * ~

Response:

~ * ~ "Opera Noir ~ Twisted Notes" ~ * A Very Special Keenly Observed Raptly Herded Appreciation For This Excellent Evening’s Ever Finer Virtuosos. Merci. Arriverdici. Au demain. A Demonic A Priori Noblese Oblige & Ever Green Privet Hedge * ~ Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  Clap ~ ! Clap ~ ! Clap ~  ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! Bravo ~ ! ~ Twittering LSTOO & Folly IAG ~ * ~ Blog, or dog? Who knows. But if you see my lost pup, please bring him home! I got Leon a brand-new bone. http://journals.aol.com/virginiaz/DreamingofLeonardo

Response:

Ps. Mum, Love you.

Response:

Ps. Mum, Love you.

Because this is an astronomy site, as correctly as possible I write here: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – opinion’ in the subject line. Hello? As a child, long ago, I heard that the universe was expanding.   When they then said that the ‘red-shift’ increased with distance, I naturally assumed that this indicated acceleration with distance, then that, together with gravity, long-distance galactic repulsive force and the newly-revealed atomic binding energy. these were therefore simply harmonics of a single force.  As a lay-child, I could be wrong, of course.  As a lay-youth I preached this idea, but who listens to lay-youths, then or now? – No, neither do I. It came as some slight surprise therefore, three or so years ago, to hear the idea of galactic repulsion being hailed as a new ’scientific’ proposition. Having a little time now to attend to matters other than the urgency to earn a meagre crust in the vale of tears that a few ever more furiously make of this bounteous planet, it might be instructive to set out a few suppositions on the subject of universe deriving from the evidence available between those somewhat more halcyon days and now. If a thing or a process exists, it may be considered as being complete.  Viewed from outside, the Universe is a thing, an entity which is already complete.  It is.   It also seems obvious that it can consist of a single ingredient, which we may consider to be space, or dimension.  Concentrations or distortions in space can give the effect of energy, and these concentrations can interact with others to give the effect of particles, which combine to form the effect of atoms, molecules etc. (‘Time’ does not exist as a separate ingredient in the completed Universe except that observation gives us, as an integral part of the process of completion, the impression of ‘time’ and ‘action’ in a universe in the act of becoming complete.  There is a case for considering the condition of an internally static universe, but let’s not complicate things here).   The matter produced exerts force, and harmonics of these forces duly take effect as binding energy, repulsive force, gravity, intergalactic repulsion and electro-magnetism.  So we have a complete single-ingredient entity, within which every interacting particle has no other option than always to be exactly as, relatively ‘when’ and where it has to be. – Perfect universe, complete with its less-than-ideal disasters and problems. Within this universe, look in any direction and galaxies are perceived to be retreating from us at, say, 75% of the speed of light.  Look in the opposite direction and you will see the same thing.   Because we can see them simultaneously, they – call them A and B – evidently existed there at the same time, all those years ago.  The fact that we are in the middle between them is incidental.  A was then retreating from B at 1.5 times the speed of light. Light was emitted from A, and there the light was conducted by space ‘at the speed of light’.  At any point between A and us, or between A and B, the light would be travelling ‘at the speed of light’.  That is because the space conducting it is itself expanding at the same speed as the retreating galaxies.  They at A and B, as we here, would say that they are static in space and that it is the others who are retreating.   Because the space is continuously extending in this way, without interruption, the light from A will still be received by B, but the light frequency will now be in the form of an inverted wave.  At the point where retreat is at the speed of light the wave may or may not be extended to ‘zero’, but the amplitude is not lost, and with further distance it will reverse, to become simply an inverse wave.   Such an inverse wave from galaxies retreating at velocities far beyond the speed of light may be distinguished by extending the distance of reception far beyond the normally acceptable position of ‘red-shift’ – i.e. by looking for light from bodies retreating from us at velocities greatly in excess of the speed of light. The signal will be extremely weak, but by compensating for all signals except that which is sought, it may still be possible to detect the light from galaxies retreating from us at, say, ten times the speed of light. After due cogitation, better brains and wiser minds than mine agree that the proposition seems feasible and logical. Well, I am not asking anyone to apply philosphy to it.  I say try it. The results may give us fresh insight into the structure and nature of the universe and add to our understanding of it. But should response of any kind to this be considered, have patience, as the mills of aged brains grind exceeding slow.

P.S.  In this context, supposing that the red-shifted light reaches ‘zero’ in bodies retreating at the speed of light, and then becomes an ‘inverse wave’, it should then become ‘normal’ again from galaxies retreating at twice the speed of light, and then be increasingly ‘blue-shifted’. – Shouldn’t it? So you know what to look for, don’t you. – Don’t you? By the way, I am considering asking to start alt.cosmology?  Tell me yes or no whether there is any interest in cosmology here, or does the repeated non-appearance of my postings indicate the degree of interest here?

Response:

"Justice ~ Needs shortening Without which no biscuit is crisp." ~ Alfred

Response:

"A tad of advice, Justice ~ Go For a nice short quote from Barkelys, pithy, pointed, and pertinent. Hope that helps." ~ Folly

Response:

~ * A Bon Noir … … to you, Too ~ ! Years. An eternity." ~ Rocky "Fool, use your Ears ~ ! Hear me Cry for you …" ~ Twittering "Before Breakfast, @ least 13 Impossible Things." ~ Capsicum ~ * ~ ~ * ~ A Sign,  A Boarded Shingle Hung Out TO Dry ~ * ~ ! * ! Sonic Triptych * ~ ~ ~ 5 Musical Selections ~ ~ * * ~ i.    The Savage Processional of Laziness! ii.   Our Hour’s Hour Finally Here! iii.  Come, Cum, Cum, Again, Please! iv.  Cezanne’s Puzzle Pieces, sure Le Table! v.   Light Indents Darkness, Noir Invents! ~ * ~ ~ ~ Yes ~ A Morning Wood Roadside Semi ~ OTIC * Dogging Arts * Fogging Minds * It’s a Star * ~ * ~ * ^oo^        ^oo^ ~,~~,~     ~,~~,~ An Idleness of Isle, Where we embark On a swan’s sailing craft, the reflecting pool’s moon ~ Lit way …" ~ Mer LoLeil ~ * ~ !3 O’clock… *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!) *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!) *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!)  *bong* (coo-coo!) *bong* (coo-coo!) "O, deer. The clock, something’s off, No?" ~ White Chalk "Where’s Poppycock? Unlock the Hickory’s Dock ~ ! Check The Liqueur Cabinet. Yes, Very thirsty!" ~ Molly

Response:

"WHY am I targeted with your commercials. Why can’t I have a whole show, Its bull." ~ Marika "Minotaur, or Muldoon Macaroon, My enthusiastic Thesis Reader from Theusus? O, you, too, Climined out of My Dictionary To come visit me ~ ? Hey ~ ! Long time no time no see. !Quoof! !Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof! !Quoof! !Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof! !Quoof! !Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof!!Quoof! You manical 4 ~ Leaf Roving Irish Clover. Fly in from Dover, Mr. Paul The Princeton Poet from Muldoon ~ ? Pull up a Chaire, Make yourself comfortable ~ ! Doncha know, now ~ We value your P ~ !" ~ Twittering

Response:

"WHY am I targeted with your commercials. Why can’t I have a whole show, It’s bull." ~ Marika "Greedy fella, Arncha ~ ?" ~ Folly

Response:

"WHY am I targeted with your commercials. Why can’t I have a whole show Its bull." ~ Mum "O, exactly ~ ! Subliminal Seductino sucks up, suck the life outta ya ~ Like you told me Mum ~ Don’t give away the milk If the cow’s not cared for, taken care of ~ Or, Aka, Don’t let ya Therapist Rape ya ~ Ya pay the Bill, Ya come back for more, But O, Whatdya left with ~ ? A bill, subliminal suction, no lover, And pretty soon ~ !NO HOPE!" ~ Twittering "Merci, Mum. Good lesson Reminder. Please don’t stop. ’cause, like, we’re real dopes. !Love you!" ~ Folly

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "WHY am I targeted with your commercials. Why can’t I have a whole show Its bull." ~ Mum "O, exactly ~ ! Subliminal Seductino sucks up, suck the life outta ya ~ Like you told me Mum ~ Don’t give away the milk If the cow’s not cared for, taken care of ~ Or, Aka, Don’t let ya Therapist Rape ya ~ Ya pay the Bill, Ya come back for more, But O, Whatdya left with ~ ? A bill, subliminal suction, no lover, And pretty soon ~ !NO HOPE!" ~ Twittering "Merci, Mum. Good lesson Reminder. Please don’t stop. ’cause, like, we’re real dopes. !Love you!" ~ Folly

I don’t mean to be contrary (it comes naturally), and this is one of those cases where I do care with whatever passes for sincerity in my world, but… well I don’t think there’s a nice way to say it. I’ll try, though. I’m probably way off-base with this anyway. Is Usenet– a public, searchable, indefinitely-archived network– really the place you want to look for support after such an experience, Ms. Hooper? At 33 or 34, in such a populous area, and for a person such as yourself, I’d find it surprising if you didn’t have friends off the wire. You seem like a fairly nice, intelligent, friendly person, not incapable of intimacy or real affection. It strikes me that you’re the kind of person that naturally attracts attention just being you. Why Usenet? You have friends online, yes, that much is clear. But wouldn’t it be more… supportive? to speak with them for instance over the phone? Over more private (thus more intimate) channels? Is there no one in your area who will spend time with you or no way to find such people? Separately, your poetry seems like an excellent and productive outlet. Write more. Archive it. Bring it together. Use it to help you further develop after and beyond this traumatic experience. Read back over what you’ve written and learn still more about yourself. They’re right when they say that the real way to support you is to help you help yourself. Other people can only do so much for what is, in the end, an experience that is yours and yours alone, and is therefore ultimately resolvable only internally. Anyway, if I’m way off-base here, just ignore me. Usually that’s the best route anyway.

Response:

Huh ~ ?

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ~ * A Bon Noir … … to you, Too ~ ! Years. An eternity." ~ Rocky "Fool, use your Ears ~ ! Hear me Cry for you …" ~ Twittering "Before Breakfast, @ least 13 Impossible Things." ~ Capsicum ~ * ~ ~ * ~ A Sign,  A Boarded Shingle Hung Out TO Dry ~ * ~ ! * ! Sonic Triptych * ~ ~ ~ 5 Musical Selections ~ ~ * * ~ i.    The Savage Processional of Laziness! ii.   Our Hour’s Hour Finally Here! iii.  Come, Cum, Cum, Again, Please! iv.  Cezanne’s Puzzle Pieces, sure Le Table! v.   Light Indents Darkness, Noir Invents!

i hope this isn’t cable radio regarding the following . . . and preceding ads Cable has NO explanation for the existence of commercials.  The whole point of cable is you’re paying for it.  WHY am I targeted with your commercials. its bull. mk5000 "after performing the surgery for decades, one surgeon decided to use the double-blind, placebo controlled methodology to test whether it really worked.  the results were shocking:  Arthroscopic surgery for knee arthritis did indeed bring long-lasting results; however, so did fake surgery"–steven bratman

Response:

"A tad of advice, Justice ~ Go For a nice short quote from Barkelys, pithy, pointed, and pertinent. Hope that helps." ~ Folly

"A tad of advice, Justice ~ Go For a nice short quote from Barkelys, pithy, pointed, and pertinent. Hope that helps." ~ Folly

Rejoins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oh Spasmic counsel from canary conceited by doting owners On astronomy On cosmology? "Potery"? . . . . . . . . . . Er, sheesh. Hen, stow it.

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Question:

::See above. You should ask Jackie, she has the best memory I’ve ever come ::across (or maybe she takes notes? LOL! Not any more I almost bid on a Toland garden flag at eBay yesterday. I`m so glad I didn`t. I already had the exact one. No wonder I thought the one I wanted to bid on looked so familiar Jackie ~*~You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims~*~   ~~Harriet Woods — The charter is available at:  http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Is that a word?  It may only be a word in the southern USA, lol. I am dealing more with depression than anxiety right now, but the anxiety is definitely there, and it is a big part of this problem. I have a hobby, it is a great, wonderful, and healthy hobby.  But it requires some work, mental work, and it carries responsibilities.  Being disabled, this hobby gives me most of my sense of who I am, my worth, and my productivity. But, to put it simply, both depression and anxiety get in the way.  It is mostly the mental work I am speaking of.  I am often, if not always, "distracted" or "far away".  I am not organized at all.  I do try.  But I make mistakes.  I have just learned of a mistake I made, which although it is very much not "the end of the world", it is distressing to me. I would like to ask if anyone else has this problem with their mind being "somewhere else"?  And any other comments you feel will help.  And, if you know where exactly the damn thing is (my mind) would you please let me know? LOL  - I like the fact that I can laugh good-naturedly at my problems. : ) I also find that I’ve done things and sent emails which I totally have no memory of.  This can be very distressing.  They used to say I dissociate.  I wonder if this is going on now. Thank you very much, Bob

Hi Bob.  I get this too sometimes.  I guess it depends on what drugs you are taking to a large extent.  Some rather sedating drugs like Doxepin and Prothiaden give it to me pretty bad.  Benzos have a reputation for this too.  I found SSRIs like Celexa and Effexor not to be too bad in this respect – but other people have found different. I recommend some exercise and fresh air every day to combat it.  I find that helps a lot. Also, experiment with your sleep pattern.  You may need more sleep (or possibly less) to function optimally. Have a good one! — _TJ_ — The charter is available at:

Question:

and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

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I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

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truer words, beautys…:( jt

I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get

close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many

crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know

theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she

responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter

other than completly – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

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Howdy Hi, I understand … hmmm, relationships can be rather challenging in many different ways.  Also, posting here and feeling comfortable in ‘opening’ up to some is good, is healthy for you to utilize these channels in ‘getting it out’ … it’s like a dependency after a while, utilizing an online community or group of people as support, sometimes you feel closer to them, than to anyone else … am not too sure why this is, but anyhow, use it if it works for you … *smiles* Take care, Tabkey – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

Response:

:/   is it worth that do u think?  feels like sommat mebbe i want/need to know. thinkin of ya, C.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

Response:

Hey! ltns! good to hear from u again

Howdy Hi, I understand … hmmm, relationships can be rather challenging in many different ways.  Also, posting here and feeling comfortable in ‘opening’ up to some is good, is healthy for you to utilize these channels in ‘getting it out’ … it’s like a dependency after a while,

ooooh eeeek, dont like the dependency thing. ugh. but then im not sure id let myself get that far. utilizing an online community or group of people as support, sometimes you feel closer to them, than to anyone else … am not too sure why this is, but anyhow, use it if it works for you … *smiles*

yes  n it does i like it here v good to seeya back! C. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Take care, Tabkey I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

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Yeah, good to be back again … *smiles* … thanx for the warm welcome …

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey! ltns! good to hear from u again Howdy Hi, I understand … hmmm, relationships can be rather challenging in many different ways.  Also, posting here and feeling comfortable in ‘opening’ up to some is good, is healthy for you to utilize these channels in ‘getting it out’ … it’s like a dependency after a while, ooooh eeeek, dont like the dependency thing. ugh. but then im not sure id let myself get that far. utilizing an online community or group of people as support, sometimes you feel closer to them, than to anyone else … am not too sure why this is, but anyhow, use it if it works for you … *smiles* yes  n it does i like it here v good to seeya back! C. Take care, Tabkey I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

Response:

Hmmm, I think that risking the ‘mess-ups’ are worth it, reason being, we are made to have relationships, it is like anything else in life …. when you start learning to ride a bike, you fall, you get hurt, but you get up and try again.  In relationships you will fall, you will get hurt, but you must get up and try again … hey, once you can ride a bike, you can go many place … same with relationships … *smiles* Take care, Tabkey

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – :/   is it worth that do u think?  feels like sommat mebbe i want/need to know. thinkin of ya, C. I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

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alt.support.dissociation: :/   is it worth that do u think?  feels like sommat mebbe i want/need to know. thinkin of ya, C.

Yes.  It wasn’t always, but I changed, and I learnt stuff. Would you not have your son? Baba Yaga

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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

i hear you there, i also find it difficult and still impossible. last time someone was here around, i scared the sh*t out of the person and it was so easy. i dunno if we are made to have rships (as you name it so well ), i find them oppressive soon or later. i can see what people want or the "use" people make of being around me or with me. i feel it is most of the time energy sucking and not giving. people do not know how to give freely and without asking. each person lives in one’s reality but the times i had connections with others has been limited in time and space and is just fine with me. actually it was fine but it isn’t anymore. often, it is like people are transparent and i am well – somewhere else. i have been thinking a huge lot about it and still am. i want to know what i really want about people in full honesty. but then the few things i would want are limited in space and time and i know that will probably hurt more than anything else because people can’t relate at that level i would want or need and i do not want to hurt and i also do not want to have sh*t on my head. i am tired of the projections of others and it seems so much to be so much projections. i don’t find the game interesting. at times i would like something gentle and quiet, not demanding, but it is only virtual, people always wants something and sometimes they aren’t even honest about it. sorry, i am not helping you much there, more saying what you said echoed in me. i am today considering to isolate myself even more than what i am today or to try to find a group of people i could feel close to intellectually and with some values about the environment… but i still don’t know, what i see everywhere doesn’t stimulate me towards others at all and everything brings me even more deeper inside of myself. but you do have your son and you do see how important it is for him to "socialize", maybe that could be for you something to watch closely and learn or re learn why it is important ??? i know a woman here around, i don’t see her often and i made sure she doesn’t call me neither, but she has had an incredible life, she travelled a lot, she was a very beautiful woman, has been with a famous painter and her life in itself could really make a great book of a life testimony. i know how she lives now, even more isolated than me and when i watch her i see myself also in some ways. for me, the question that is staying in me and that i want to answer is to know if my deep isolation and inabilities to connect with others is a natural normal element for me or is only a result of illnesses because of the traumas. but then, if the illnesses are so deep and so old and have been so many and so long, haven’t i became the consequences of the illnesses and wouldn’t it be more clever to accept me just the way i am and find my own peace with myself,?? i have seen so much the inabilities of others in front of me and in front of my pains when i feel them and i do not believe in a super human being able to just love me and not be scared by my nightmares or dissoids events, able to know to let me in silence and peace when i need it, able to reassure me if i am worried without crashing me with their own weights of insecurities ???? i isolated myself because it was so oppressive for me to have people around wanting and wanting and wanting as if i was wise and had all the knowledges of the worlds specially everthing related to sufferings – someone even told me that *i was made to help others all my life and that is why i had all those hard experiences. but i don’t want that. i want to be stimulated, to be able to smile or laugh or be quiet without any stress. i see that what i want in reality is very very humble but impossible to get from another human being. maybe i am already not anymore from this world. sorry for my ranting hope you will find what you need about it, you do have a good example under your eyes with your son be well satya

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hmmm, I think that risking the ‘mess-ups’ are worth it, reason being, we are made to have relationships, it is like anything else in life …. when you start learning to ride a bike, you fall, you get hurt, but you get up and try again.  In relationships you will fall, you will get hurt, but you must get up and try again … hey, once you can ride a bike, you can go many place … same with relationships … *smiles* Take care, Tabkey I have a dodgy, dodgy corner of my mind htat wants to say something about htat but I won’t, funny I have both less and more self-control at this time of night but yea. for a long time I couldn’t trust anyone enough for that. Then I was dating Robin.. and she hurt me.. and when I realised I was falling for Steph I couldn’t let myself do anything about it.. I didn’t want to hurt her but more’n that I didn’t want to get hurt, I couldn’t tell her how I felt because I ‘knew’ I would. But Chris is a smartalec and decided to fix things up lol. /me cuddles Steph from afar. She has made things lots easier for me. If she hurts me later it’ll be ok (well, not ok, but meh, it’s latte and I’m tired)

as opposed to moccachino obviously.. snicker.. just noticed that. Dat

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*smiles* …. coolas …

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hmmm, I think that risking the ‘mess-ups’ are worth it, reason being, we are made to have relationships, it is like anything else in life …. when you start learning to ride a bike, you fall, you get hurt, but you get up and try again.  In relationships you will fall, you will get hurt, but you must get up and try again … hey, once you can ride a bike, you can go many place … same with relationships … *smiles* Take care, Tabkey I have a dodgy, dodgy corner of my mind htat wants to say something about htat but I won’t, funny I have both less and more self-control at this time of night but yea. for a long time I couldn’t trust anyone enough for that. Then I was dating Robin.. and she hurt me.. and when I realised I was falling for Steph I couldn’t let myself do anything about it.. I didn’t want to hurt her but more’n that I didn’t want to get hurt, I couldn’t tell her how I felt because I ‘knew’ I would. But Chris is a smartalec and decided to fix things up lol. /me cuddles Steph from afar. She has made things lots easier for me. If she hurts me later it’ll be ok (well, not ok, but meh, it’s latte and I’m tired) because she made things easier when all I wanted to do was give up and let the darkness come.. g-d I’m getting sappy it’s way time for sleep. Dat :/   is it worth that do u think?  feels like sommat mebbe i want/need to know. thinkin of ya, C. I don’t ever consider not having r’ships, I just get so sad when I find out that I’ve messed one up. Beauty. and why i cant/wont do em. i cannot conect with ppl.  i cant put myself out there for ppl that realy matter to me, without a huge heap of defenses.  most ppl see the defenses n back of.  others in spite of them seem to try n get close, my ex gf for one. she wouldnt give up on me, even tho i told her it wasnt sommat i could do. i cant commit cos if i do that, n have to consider other ppls needs to much it sc*res the h*ll outta me, cos we’ve had so many crises over the yrs, i need to be able to be selfish, to do wot i gotta do.  n i wont break promises.  so i cant comit or promise stuff if i know theres a chanse that my/our needs are gonna be compromised. T has power to help/distroy.  i gave her that.  she wont use it one way or another.  she wont hear me unless i completly lay it all out for her so its starin her in the face, and i will NOT do that. T2 hears me, but it wouldnt mean anythin if she responted or worked on that. i dont have any kinda b*nd with her.  it wouldnt matter other than completly show me wot T(Anne) cant/wont do. so im goin deeper n deeper back.  only a coupla ppl here who i feel s*fe/willing to let myself open to.   n thats worth more than a thousand bl**dy Ts anyhow. argh, was just wondrin why i needed to post again, n i think its the anger seepin back in. nevermind, the days nerly over n a whole new one to play with tomorow. C.

Response:

*smiles* … cool ….

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes Hello! Howdy Hi, I understand … hmmm, relationships can be rather challenging in many different ways.  Also, posting here and feeling comfortable in ‘opening’ up to some is good, is healthy for you to utilize these channels in ‘getting it out’ … it’s like a dependency after a while, utilizing an online community or group of people as support, sometimes you feel closer to them, than to anyone else … am not too sure why this is, but anyhow, use it if it works for you … *smiles* Definitely. And asd’s a place where *we* so soon found some level of contact to a few people of here in addition to the newsgroup itself. I.e. contact via chat systems (IRC, AIM and stuff like that) that could get quite intense for a few ones from here. And yeah, there are times when asd contacts *are* the most intense for us, compared to just any contact, "real world" or net. And frankly, I like that. Oh, anything more to write was lost. Kind regards, Hannah’s Team.

Response:

Question:

rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late and the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents and the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to whom you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that i might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share, learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence. — baba nam kevalam

Response:

I am here listening, satya, listening to what you write and trying to listen carefully. I wish I could help you beyond this listening on this screen, and I am sad that you may not be able to write here. But I will listen and care about you. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late and the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents and the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to whom you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that i might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share, learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Response:

thank you jane now i am mostly speaking loud with nobody, except when i manage to do the phone calls that i must do. my pc is crashing more and more anyway, yesterday lost the sound in it while the card was not that old, got it for my birthday i am often thinking of you when i drink my tea, i enjoy the imagination of sitting and having tea with pleasant and nice people like you those are warm and gentle thoughts for me. satya I am here listening, satya, listening to what you write and trying to listen carefully. I wish I could help you beyond this listening on this screen, and I am sad that you may not be able to write here. But I will listen and care about you. jane

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late and the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents and the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to whom you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that i might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share, learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Response:

thanks, that is a nice picture i like also setting a candle around.. and it will be nice indeed with others to join waves to phoenix from ex phoenix8 satya So you and I and beauty are sitting with our tea, sitting quietly not talking or talking as we wish. Only gentleness and kindnesses pass among us as we sit on big soft pillows and relax. Don’t know if anyone else wants to come sit with us too….  We will sit together in sisterhood of the heart. jane

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thank you jane now i am mostly speaking loud with nobody, except when i manage to do the phone calls that i must do. my pc is crashing more and more anyway, yesterday lost the sound in it while the card was not that old, got it for my birthday i am often thinking of you when i drink my tea, i enjoy the imagination of sitting and having tea with pleasant and nice people like you those are warm and gentle thoughts for me. satya I am here listening, satya, listening to what you write and trying to listen carefully. I wish I could help you beyond this listening on this screen, and I am sad that you may not be able to write here. But I will listen and care about you. jane rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always  the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly  also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late and  the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t  wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents and  the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her  pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to whom  you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted  me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t  my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to  stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i  acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody  could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it  was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the  papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any  reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in  the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that  with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that i  might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and  silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me  really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to  anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we  call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality  of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to  relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share,  learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i  know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of  the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Response:

May I please join? I don’t have much to talk about, but I’d love to listen… Phoenix

Response:

So you and I and beauty are sitting with our tea, sitting quietly not talking or talking as we wish. Only gentleness and kindnesses pass among us as we sit on big soft pillows and relax. Don’t know if anyone else wants to come sit with us too….  We will sit together in sisterhood of the heart. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thank you jane now i am mostly speaking loud with nobody, except when i manage to do the phone calls that i must do. my pc is crashing more and more anyway, yesterday lost the sound in it while the card was not that old, got it for my birthday i am often thinking of you when i drink my tea, i enjoy the imagination of sitting and having tea with pleasant and nice people like you those are warm and gentle thoughts for me. satya I am here listening, satya, listening to what you write and trying to listen carefully. I wish I could help you beyond this listening on this screen, and I am sad that you may not be able to write here. But I will listen and care about you. jane rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always  the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly  also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late and  the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t  wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents and  the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her  pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to whom  you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted  me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t  my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to  stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i  acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody  could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it  was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the  papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any  reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in  the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that  with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that i  might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and  silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me  really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to  anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we  call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality  of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to  relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share,  learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i  know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of  the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Response:

I love candles. We could put some in the centre for us all to watch. Love to watch the flames moving and the colours in them. I’ll find a nice one to light. Great idea, satya! jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thanks, that is a nice picture i like also setting a candle around.. and it will be nice indeed with others to join waves to phoenix from ex phoenix8 satya So you and I and beauty are sitting with our tea, sitting quietly not talking or talking as we wish. Only gentleness and kindnesses pass among us as we sit on big soft pillows and relax. Don’t know if anyone else wants to come sit with us too….  We will sit together in sisterhood of the heart. jane thank you jane now i am mostly speaking loud with nobody, except when i manage to do  the phone calls that i must do. my pc is crashing more and more anyway, yesterday lost the sound in it while the card was not that old, got it  for my birthday i am often thinking of you when i drink my tea, i enjoy the imagination  of sitting and having tea with pleasant and nice people like you those are warm and gentle thoughts for me. satya I am here listening, satya, listening to what you write and trying to listen carefully. I wish I could help you beyond this listening on this screen, and I am sad that you may not be able to write here. But I will listen and care about you. jane rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and  always  the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly  also because of my back pains. i was going here early and leaving late  and  the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they  didn’t  wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were both parents  and  the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her  pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the supermarket to  whom  you pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they  wanted  me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it  wasn’t  my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going  to  stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was  feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i  acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody  could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor.  it  was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the  papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any  reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them  in  the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know  that  with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can happen is that  i  might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4  months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and  silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me  really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots  of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i  am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to  anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what  we  call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but  with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their  quality  of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to  relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could  share,  learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally,  but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came  out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life  and i  know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness  of  the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Response:

Of course!  Doesn’t matter if any of us talk. We sometimes don’t. We sometimes just talk with our hearts, too. And that is good. You are welcome! Putting a soft soft cushion right here between beautysister and me. Patting it for you so it is comfy. C’mon, sink into it and just feel the soft and the calm of our group.  jane who will pass the tea when you are ready – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – May I please join? I don’t have much to talk about, but I’d love to listen… Phoenix

Response:

am holding u in my h*art for awhile, too. sorry this is so hard right now.  am glad u’re out of the work situation. jt

rantings…. i was crashing constantly at work, getting more and more work and always the same amount of time to do it. i was working very quickly and very hard, lots, exhausted constantly also because of my back pains. i was going here early and

leaving late and the worst is that they were complaining about it, saying that they didn’t wanted me to work more hours. also they hired the wife of their son and now they were

both parents and the young couple. she is pregnant and is having difficulties with her pregancy. she has no work experience and was a woman in the

supermarket to whom you – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – pay. she makes stupid comments all the times, she plays around. they wanted me to teach her to type and other things: i had no time for it and it wasn’t my job anyway. i asked the mother why they hired her, she is soon going to stop to have the baby, she can’t work but she responded that she was feeling lonely at home with their first kid. it was totally insane. i got tired to end up screaming and shouting and crying and i acknowledge that i did reached my limits. i am exhausted, overworked and nobody could work with 2 couples of the same family like this, unbearable. so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to. and yet i know i am still unbalanced emotionally and cry without any reason, i have a very cheezy head, i wrote notes to help me but i lose them in the house and can’t find them back, what a shit !!!! the woman from the union told me that i must see a psycholog at the hospital, that will protect me she said. i am also making papers for bankrupcy and i am scared, but i know that with the law here i will be protected, the worst that can

happen is that i might be homeless but only at the end of march next year. gives me 4 months to find a solution, solutions…. and i have always founded solutions. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my

isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have

happened to me really. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less

difficulties to relate – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share, learn, grow and be at peace with… i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of the night. this is my life going towards my death. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence. — baba nam kevalam

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: so, i am on sick leave now. if i quit i can’t get any money i have to stay sick until they fire me. i went to the doctor for the papers but it wasn’t my usual doctor. it was difficult to explain the situation to that new guy. he gave me the papers but also he gave me lots of med. sleeping pills, xanax for anxiety and also one against depression. i should take lots of them everyday but i don’t want to.

Depressed people never do.  Just an observation, no comment on your want or not-want. seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems.

Maybe, you found something to make you able to face the problems. i have been dealing with each of them as to make a final point and i am almost at the end with those stories now. it is still heavy and complicated and difficult for me to relate to anybody in real life. i know i have to move about this also, but i don’t know how at all.

Give it time and go gently.  Sometimes life itself makes things happen, and sometimes, one just gets to be ready. i am thinking to try to become part of a group, here there are what we call ecovillages and i am making research for them. i thought it could be a very good option to be able to be alone but with other persons around me, persons who have made choices for their quality of life and with whom i suppose i should have some good and positive connections, persons i could – i hope !! have less difficulties to relate with, people with positive consciousness and awareness i could share, learn, grow and be at peace with…

That’s a good idea. i am taking this month to rest and try to settle down emotionally, but i know that i will move next year for sure and i must prepare myself. it is hard now, real hard. i have felt back into a deep silence from which i might never came out anymore. i mean about my histories of past abuses. my internet access might stop also in a few months.

Yikes.  Shame. this is for me the sign of the end of a period of time in my life and i know it. and again i am talking to myself on a white screen in the darkness of the night.

I can hear you ! this is my life going towards my death.

It’s what we all do, knowingly or not.  *How we do it is what matters. satya for who everything is still possible at all levels but definitively in silence.

Baba Yaga

Response:

alt.support.dissociation:

snip seems like my life is having a great change. there was the one when i decided to come out of my isolation and silence. i opened my door a bit, came online and so much have happened to me really. i still don’t understand all what i got from it, but for sure lots of problems. Maybe, you found something to make you able to face the problems.

don’t seem like it really. seems much more like it make me lose faith even in myself and become even more unable to trust anybody. it is where i am right now. satya

Response:

Question:

outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? satya —   (Y)   (..) c((")(")

Response:

WooooO!!! How to figure out which is my worst fear…..   Well, maybe the newt situation. Yeah, prolly that. So what shall I do to dive into that?  Yuck. Don’t wanna. Don’t wanna. He doesn’t like us. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? satya

Response:

outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it???

Candy is THE point of halloween imo Esp. chocolate! Yeah yeah, I could go buy a year’s supply of chocolate but there is no mystery in that. This way I’m not sure what I’m going to get, enough of my favorite, only stuff I don’t like, etc. somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears.

Interesting. I’ve never heard this. What I’ve heard that makes sense to me for someone who wants to make this more than just chocolate *grin* is to honor those who are gone and we miss. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours?

Hmm… learning I’m useless at everything, nuts, never going to amount to anything, ever. I’ve always worried about that. I remember when I got my first ‘real’ job and I was stunned. I like it. I was good at it. Other people thought I was good at it. I’m always afraid that was a mistake and I’ll never find another job I’m good at. Or I’ll be good at the job but my coworkers will think I’m nuts. Or anything like this even if it’s not work related; my kids friends won’t be allowed to associate with them cause I’m nuts. That sort of thing. I remember once applying for a job at a bookstore and being told I wasn’t well read enough. ME! Of all people!!!!! What they meant was that I am too well read about very limited subjects. This is true. I read what I like and I read a lot of it. Other than that… nope. This really freaked me out. If I, of all people, can’t work in a bookstore I can’t work ‘anywhere’! Rainbow Colors (Jill) —      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing                    we are becoming white light.

Response:

outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it???

getting to dress up in costume!  of course, i love any excuse to dress up and pretend i’m someone i’m not.  or maybe pretend i’m someone i am.  :-) somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears.

this is very interesting… what is yours?

my greatest fears is to be alone.  but tonight, i’m going to my friend’s house for movies and girl talk.  maybe i’ll try the alone thing on monday. -kelly

Response:

oh jane if you feel that he doesn’t like you, then fire him !!! how to do a good job for oneself(s) is there is not likings ?? i never give any power (trust) on me to persons i dislike or who dislike me, only the ones i can relate also with my heart get that space from me, what’s the use otherwise? h*rting myself? i have had more than my share of *that !!! satya so tired of oppressions at all levels — baba nam kevalam WooooO!!! How to figure out which is my worst fear…..   Well, maybe the newt situation. Yeah, prolly that. So what shall I do to dive into that?  Yuck. Don’t wanna. Don’t wanna. He doesn’t like us. jane

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? satya

Response:

hello — baba nam kevalam outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? getting to dress up in costume!  of course, i love any excuse to dress up and pretend i’m someone i’m not.  or maybe pretend i’m someone i am.  :-)

i am so seldom played as a child that i can’t remember even once when i dressed up in costume, the only time i did it was as an adult for parties and i remember it was fun because i got a real costume from a monk and i discovered all the pockets insides and how those stuff were working… also, me as a monk was really funny and absurd my friends laughed a lot and i enjoyed it.. somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. this is very interesting… what is yours? my greatest fears is to be alone.  but tonight, i’m going to my friend’s house for movies and girl talk.  maybe i’ll try the alone thing on monday. -kelly

i don’t wish you to feel bad, but i posted this because sometimes it is something i am doing in my life with myself, just like a kind of insane game i have, i go and do exactly what scares the more the sh*t out of me just to provoke myself, i have done incredible stuff from this place  and right now i am preparing myself in doing one again, something huge and important: i am not going to go back to work on tuesday morning, i am going to go and see my doctor and whatever the consequences will be, financially, emotionally, psychologically. i am going to stop working and never go in that place again… i am going to surrender and stop fighting, i quit and won’t play the game anymore. it is hard for me because i always assumed my life at all levels and i know that it will mean that i won’t be able to do such, but this is my jump, my wall and i am heading right in it, if i will fly or not i still don’t have a clue, but that’s enough and i need to live differently with my knowledge and my values and assume and take all the consequences that goes with them. it both feel like i am totally abandoning myself and yet like it is my only chance to move and change. su*c*dal ? probably but i hate oppression, distortions, stupidity, false powers and my life is at its ends anyway…so, let’s roll and rock… satya

Response:

Two things: 1) I invented and headed up the Upstate NY H’ween Project for years and years – researching why people go so all-out for that holiday, and no one could answer – I have lots and lots of data on *what* they do, and nothing as to why except a blank look and, "Because it’s *h’wee*" or some such. 2) My worst fear? Failing. At anything, everything. Failing at doing something, failing people in relationships. Oh – yeah – and taking care of myself. Oh yeah – and worst fear #3 and most horrible of all – physical stuff of a certain kind. I’ll leave it at that so as not to upset people. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? satya —   (Y)   (..) c((")(")

Response:

I love dressing up, too. I think lots of peoples like this day because of that – I mean, people who do, that is. There are other reasons, too – the decorations peoples have in their yards and houses around where I live take enormous amounts of energy. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? getting to dress up in costume!  of course, i love any excuse to dress up and pretend i’m someone i’m not.  or maybe pretend i’m someone i am.  :-) somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. this is very interesting… what is yours? my greatest fears is to be alone.  but tonight, i’m going to my friend’s house for movies and girl talk.  maybe i’ll try the alone thing on monday. -kelly

Response:

hello jill — baba nam kevalam – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? Candy is THE point of halloween imo Esp. chocolate! Yeah yeah, I could go buy a year’s supply of chocolate but there is no mystery in that. This way I’m not sure what I’m going to get, enough of my favorite, only stuff I don’t like, etc. somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. Interesting. I’ve never heard this. What I’ve heard that makes sense to me for someone who wants to make this more than just chocolate *grin* is to honor those who are gone and we miss.

well, actually halloween is import from usa the 1st of november is the day of all holy persons: toussaint in french which should be like a party for the spirits and quite joyful but the 2nd november is the day of the deads ones: le jour des morts, but in fact the habit turned out that as the day of the holy is not worked and paid, while the day of the deads is a working day, everybody use the day of the holys to bring flowers to the cemeteries and honor/remember those who are gone. i like a lot the flowers used here, they are colorful and vivid and actually i often buy one that i keep inside my house as i have travelled so much, i have lost many dear persons and their tombs are thousands kms away….  :) actually it is the first year i haven’t done it, i might still buy a plant tomorrow after all… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? Hmm… learning I’m useless at everything, nuts, never going to amount to anything, ever. I’ve always worried about that. I remember when I got my first ‘real’ job and I was stunned. I like it. I was good at it. Other people thought I was good at it. I’m always afraid that was a mistake and I’ll never find another job I’m good at. Or I’ll be good at the job but my coworkers will think I’m nuts. Or anything like this even if it’s not work related; my kids friends won’t be allowed to associate with them cause I’m nuts. That sort of thing. I remember once applying for a job at a bookstore and being told I wasn’t well read enough. ME! Of all people!!!!! What they meant was that I am too well read about very limited subjects. This is true. I read what I like and I read a lot of it. Other than that… nope. This really freaked me out. If I, of all people, can’t work in a bookstore I can’t work ‘anywhere’! Rainbow Colors (Jill) —

would you think your fear of being seen or considered as "nuts" have stimulated to move forwards ?? btw, i like nuts be well jill, you and your family satya

Response:

hello beauty hehe, i am very tired and actually when i read the first time i read that you invented h’ween i liked that )) failure … what is failure ??? i have difficulties with the concept myself i don’t think much or high of myself, no, but i know and i am aware that i can only do the best i can with whom i am – i am only existing doing what i can in each situation. maybe today people are going to say or are saying that i am a failure ?? i am quiting my job and staying home with severe nervous depression; am i failing? and what am i failing? my boss, society, some economical system, myself??? i don’t feel like failing myself because i am now accepting my tears that can’t stop and i am accepting to reject the oppression i felt, the misuse people have been doing and that i allowed… am i a failure? am i a failure because i have been violented so often and so much that i don’t behave, think like others – and i am not even here meaning cultural differences !!! tell me beauty, when do i fail ??? and the fact that i fail, fall on the floor, hide in my house with door closed, in my bed and cry my pains, am i failing ??? am i failing the light when i recognise only the ones of the sun, the day, the moon; when i claim that there are as many truths as humans in time and space  ??? am i failing spirituality ??? am i failing my heart when i give love and i got sended back some insults and agressivity and distortions, discriminations projected on me ??? am i failing my humanity ??? am i failing my body??? am i failing my heart??? am i failing my soul?? how much will i have to give to not fail??? or am i the failures of others instead ???? sorry, i always have too many stupid dramatic questions…. but if you want, you can email me about the physical stuff, maybe i can relate to it, maybe i also have something in me i can’t speak with anybody about – the only person i managed to communicate freely about it is de*d now satya feeling like a real monster… it is h*ween for sure then tears with smile or smile with tears….. — baba nam kevalam – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Two things: 1) I invented and headed up the Upstate NY H’ween Project for years and years – researching why people go so all-out for that holiday, and no one could answer – I have lots and lots of data on *what* they do, and nothing as to why except a blank look and, "Because it’s *h’wee*" or some such. 2) My worst fear? Failing. At anything, everything. Failing at doing something, failing people in relationships. Oh – yeah – and taking care of myself. Oh yeah – and worst fear #3 and most horrible of all – physical stuff of a certain kind. I’ll leave it at that so as not to upset people. Beauty. outside of being something commercial – which is boring – what is the interest of it??? somewhere i have read something interesting like using halloween to empower our own fears. like what do i fear the most today and to ex*rcise it… (the expression was: dive into the heart of the scary experience:)) for me it is like playing and laughing with the monsters who scared the sh*t out of me for so many years… so, what is today my worst fear???? becoming homeless !!!!!!! so, if i would want to do something about it, maybe i should spend the week end outside ??? or maybe i should take my car and run into the best sport shop and buy the warmest sky clothes and sleeping bag possible???? what is yours? satya —   (Y)   (..) c((")(")

Response:

spoilered for talk of p*gan meaning of  h*lloween and our personal beliefs * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * some of us are pagan, and this holiday, known as Samhain, is a very important one in our calendar.  it’s one on which we remember our friends and family who have died during the previous year, and is considered a time when the veil between the living world and the spirit world (or the living and the dead) is the thinnest. we normally celebrate the day with a ritual "Feast of the D*ad" which includes favorite foods from those deceased friends and family that we remember, and readings and other remembrances, shared in a circle with friends. we’re a little sad, because we couldn’t do this this year; it has been too hard to be around people, so we just went to our mom’s and gave out candy to trick-or-treaters. Ravensong In black, there are all colors,      Where darkness, always the light,              Iridescent the raven’s wing in sunlight.                                  – Brooke Medicine Eagle

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: maybe today people are going to say or are saying that i am a failure ??

Oh, probably.  People say all sorts of stupid things. i am quiting my job and staying home with severe nervous depression; am i failing? and what am i failing? my boss, society, some economical system, myself???

I’d put my money on "some economic system" – except, of course, that you aren’t failing any *real* economic system, either.  Maybe if you were an Eskimo, and you had to be able to work so as not to stare someone else, but not otherwise. i don’t feel like failing myself because i am now accepting my tears that can’t stop and i am accepting to reject the oppression i felt, the misuse people have been doing and that i allowed… am i a failure?

You just answered.  That’s success. satya feeling like a real monster… it is h*ween for sure then tears with smile or smile with tears…..

8-( Baba Yaga

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: i am not going to go back to work on tuesday morning, i am going to go and see my doctor and whatever the consequences will be, financially, emotionally, psychologically. i am going to stop working and never go in that place again… i am going to surrender and stop fighting, i quit and won’t play the game anymore.

Wow!!!  Well done, you. Baba Yaga

Response:

Question:

first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using   more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always   said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8) — |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted

Response:

Yay you!!! Congratulations! This sounds like a perfect move for you, and you did it on your own. Wonderful. I fully understand the m*ther problems as I have similar ones myself, although the m*ther is long gone. But she isn’t, if you know what I mean. I’m proud of you enormously, and remembering fondly our trailer, in which I’d love to be able to live. ’twas nice and cosy and easy to keep. :O)  Go you! jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using   more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always   said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8) — |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted

Response:

Feedback is easy on this one! Congrats and way to go! You seem to have taken a nice big step in what looks to me to be a positive direction, being more independent and healthy in how you interact with your mom. Will you have a storage room in your new place? I can just imagine you putting all this stuff in your home, moving it and then it having to just sit in the living room cause you don’t have an external shed We did that once. It was a pain! We finally rented a storage room in one of those places. Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using  more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always  said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8) — |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted

–      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing                    we are becoming white light.

Response:

Hello (8) – Big changes – and all very strong and sounding all to the good, when all is said and done. Best to you and congratulations on how strongly you have gone through w/all of this. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using  more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always  said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8)

Response:

well somehow i manages to delete the original, so i will reply to you all here… thanks for the affirmations and support!  i agree…i done good!  i actually *feel* different.  more on top of stuff..not necessarily *in control* but that doesnt see to bother me as much as it did. while they were setting the trailer up at the new place, i actually met and *talked* to new neighbors *boggle*.  one couple invited me in for a soda and we talked about *everything* lol.  and throughout the day other people kept drifting by to chat.  i dont think anyone new has moved in here for a long time. this is the first place i have lived (except college dorms) where people have mad an effort to get to know ‘the newbie’.  its also the first time i have *ever* said more than ‘hi, nice to meet you’ to new neighbors (again except in college). i even ran into a few neighbors the next day in a couple places in town and we stopped and talked for awhile!  i feel like i have just *escaped* from ‘the twilight zone’ back into the world like it *should* be. and i can already tell stuff is ‘breaking loose’ inside.  in a good way. i have the last few days making sure the utilities got connected. saved $85 by running the phone line from the post to trailer myself. i couldnt find anyone to move my storage building (metal, no floor) for less than it would cost to buy a new one.  since anything left on the lot after the 1st becomes the landlords property anyway, i just told him i wasnt gonna move it so he could have it anytime. so today i am headed to dallas for a long weekend.  made the reservations a month ago as a reward for the move.  gonna do some partying tonight as ‘gandalf’, spend tomorrow in the hotel pool/spa, see shrink on tuesday and watch the election results in my favorite bar with a bunch of great people ive met over the last 6 months. when i get back i will start finish unpacking and rearranging. throwing out some furniture i have had for years….recliners that either dont recline anymore or wont sit back up once they recline. (ive been picking nuts and bolts up off the floor for months lol). and i have a lot of (rather new) stuff to sell.  and about 15 ‘file’ boxes of science fiction and computer books from the late 70s to mid 90s stacked in the back of my car.  these are the ones i couldnt part with during the ‘last’ move lol.  gonna do a basic inventory so i know what i have and then sell/swap/donate them out of the car. (will replace political signage with book notice after the election). and finally, im excited about how this change will impact therapy. have already had signs that things are gonna get ‘vellllly intelesting’. so i need to go pack for the trip and get chinook set up with food, water, and clean litter.  eventually i can have neighbors check on him (still boggle at this concept), but he is still adjusting and i dont think strangers invading his kingdom would be a good idea right now. more later… (8) rps…still trying to figure out how to listen to football *and* nascar while driving to dallas – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Feedback is easy on this one! Congrats and way to go! You seem to have taken a nice big step in what looks to me to be a positive direction, being more independent and healthy in how you interact with your mom. Will you have a storage room in your new place? I can just imagine you putting all this stuff in your home, moving it and then it having to just sit in the living room cause you don’t have an external shed We did that once. It was a pain! We finally rented a storage room in one of those places. Rainbow Colors (Jill) first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8) — |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted

– |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight|

… read more »

Response:

How to listen to football and nascar at the same time: two radios? preset two buttons and just go back and forth every ten minutes or so? Skip football cause it’s more boring than racing _any_ day? *huge grin* Although I confess I rarely sit and watch an entire race any more *pout*. Either the kids interrupt so it’s no fun or I get bored because all of the new rules and lack of the number 3 car make the race pretty dull. MORE BUMP DRAFTING! Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – well somehow i manages to delete the original, so i will reply to you all here… thanks for the affirmations and support!  i agree…i done good!  i actually *feel* different.  more on top of stuff..not necessarily *in control* but that doesnt see to bother me as much as it did. while they were setting the trailer up at the new place, i actually met and *talked* to new neighbors *boggle*.  one couple invited me in for a soda and we talked about *everything* lol.  and throughout the day other people kept drifting by to chat.  i dont think anyone new has moved in here for a long time. this is the first place i have lived (except college dorms) where people have mad an effort to get to know ‘the newbie’.  its also the first time i have *ever* said more than ‘hi, nice to meet you’ to new neighbors (again except in college). i even ran into a few neighbors the next day in a couple places in town and we stopped and talked for awhile!  i feel like i have just *escaped* from ‘the twilight zone’ back into the world like it *should* be. and i can already tell stuff is ‘breaking loose’ inside.  in a good way. i have the last few days making sure the utilities got connected. saved $85 by running the phone line from the post to trailer myself. i couldnt find anyone to move my storage building (metal, no floor) for less than it would cost to buy a new one.  since anything left on the lot after the 1st becomes the landlords property anyway, i just told him i wasnt gonna move it so he could have it anytime. so today i am headed to dallas for a long weekend.  made the reservations a month ago as a reward for the move.  gonna do some partying tonight as ‘gandalf’, spend tomorrow in the hotel pool/spa, see shrink on tuesday and watch the election results in my favorite bar with a bunch of great people ive met over the last 6 months. when i get back i will start finish unpacking and rearranging. throwing out some furniture i have had for years….recliners that either dont recline anymore or wont sit back up once they recline. (ive been picking nuts and bolts up off the floor for months lol). and i have a lot of (rather new) stuff to sell.  and about 15 ‘file’ boxes of science fiction and computer books from the late 70s to mid 90s stacked in the back of my car.  these are the ones i couldnt part with during the ‘last’ move lol.  gonna do a basic inventory so i know what i have and then sell/swap/donate them out of the car. (will replace political signage with book notice after the election). and finally, im excited about how this change will impact therapy. have already had signs that things are gonna get ‘vellllly intelesting’. so i need to go pack for the trip and get chinook set up with food, water, and clean litter.  eventually i can have neighbors check on him (still boggle at this concept), but he is still adjusting and i dont think strangers invading his kingdom would be a good idea right now. more later… (8) rps…still trying to figure out how to listen to football *and* nascar while driving to dallas Feedback is easy on this one! Congrats and way to go! You seem to have taken a nice big step in what looks to me to be a positive direction, being more independent and healthy in how you interact with your mom. Will you have a storage room in your new place? I can just imagine you putting all this stuff in your home, moving it and then it having to just sit in the living room cause you don’t have an external shed We did that once. It was a pain! We finally rented a storage room in one of those places. Rainbow Colors (Jill) first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug* but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing. but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy. sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years). and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*) didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/ *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8) — |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan    light| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspacebe   enthedarknessandthelig  | |  eshadowytimeandspaceb     nthedarknessandthelig  | |   shadowytimeandspac    w    hedarknessandtheli   | |t    adowytimeandsp    etwee    darknessandthe    t| |the    owytimeand    ebetweent    rknessandt    ght| |thesh    ytimea    acebetweenthe    nessan     ight| |theshado        dspacebetweenthedar        thelight| |theshadowytimeandspacebetweenthedarknessandthelight| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted —

… read more »

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: first of all…..PHEW!!!! about an hour ago when i tried to turn this thing on nothing happened  power light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off…no disc spin, no ram access, no nothing.  went through troubleshooting steps (unplug/plug power, remove/replace battery, remove/replace hard drive, press reset button) in every sequence listed in the manual and nothing worked.  so i tried a bunch of ‘undocumented’ (spelled r-a-n-d-o-m)  sequences and it finally came up.

Whoof.  That’d be a nightmare.  I keep hoping that when the Beastie d!es, it does it slowly, and gives me plenty of advance warning. Hope you’re reasonably well backed up. and im really glad its working now cause i needed to write this post *tonight*. have had a lot goin on lately…inside *and* out. have wanted to post many times but for some reason its been mush easier to ‘talk’ about stuff than it has been to ‘write’ about it. maybe cause when i talk i can get th word out before the ‘editor’ kicks in. *shrug*

Maybe, too, ’cause you get feedback as you go.  This is a bit like talking into a vacuum; you’ve got to get the whole lot out, before you see whether even the first fraction is making sense to the person you’re talking to. but since the only person i have to really talk about this stuff with is my shrink, getting thoughts and comments from you guys gives me some different perspectives to think about. and thats why i bought one of those dictation programs…so i could just talk like you were all ‘here’ and let the program do the writing.

Very cool idea.  I *do* like the way you think. Not that my censor’d be fooled by a ruse like that. ;-P but evidently the ‘english’ that comes out of my mouth is not compatible with the ‘english’ the program was written to recognize cause no matter how clearly i e-nun-ci-a-ted about every third word i said was typed wrong.  i was spending more time correcting and training the program than i was saying what i wanted to say, so i just quit trying to post about the stuff i couldnt write about. which was pretty much everything going on in therapy.

Well, it was never things going on in therapy for me (wot therapy?), but that sounds familiar. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -sidetrack to other stuff, will circle back to this point later. tomorrow at about 9am a big truck is gonna come hook up to my mobile home and move it about 20 miles.  i will be half an hour closer to my shrink but no further away from the closest ‘city’.  plus, i will be in an actual ‘town’.  stores, restaurants, gas stations,etc.  so i wont have to go to the ‘city’ as much which will mean less spent on gas. and i will be within 50 yards of the interstate so i will be able to get a strong enough signal on my mobile to use it in the house.  using  more of the minutes i get included in my plan + only needing basic ‘land line’ for puter = smaller total amount spent on phone bills. monthly lot rent will be $100 ($30 more than im paying now) *but* water is included.  where i am now the *minimum* water/sewage bill is around $45 (i think ive only paid more than that twice in 2 years).

All sounds very good.  & no annoying landlord. and best of all….everything will be in *my* name not my m*thers. (except the mobile home itself…but as long as she keeps paying the insurance, i dont mind that a bit which brings me back to the therapy stuff.  ive planned the move and done all the stuff to make it happen without letting m*ther take over the process.  (still boggling over this….not sure whether she was just too busy to ‘push’ or if she finally got the message that i wasnt gonna let her *shrug*)

Wow.  Well done. didnt realize at first how *huge* this was for me.  shrink has been tossing out words like ‘independence’ and ‘autonomy’.  things i always  said i had that m*ther kept trying to walk all over. and somewhere during the process of this move i *finally* got it.  she couldnt do it if i didnt *let* her. that *good daughter* rule i had….’keep m*ther* happy’….had always translated to ‘do what m*ther wants even if *i* dont want it’.  

<<nodding like mad in making this move ive gotten rid of that rule.  not a conscious goal, but a pretty cool result.

*Very*. and finally, cause this is turning out longer than i intended and i still have to bring all the stuff from the storage building into the trailer, shrink thinks maybe since ive managed to make that ‘break’ with m*ther, that more energy is available (and apparently being used) for …aw geeez…see? im getting too close and im typing so the words are disappearing :/

Well, it sounds cool, as far as it got.  Time’ll come, it’s sayable, if it still needs saying. Which isn’t to suggest that I don’t appreciate the frustration of being able to say it now, when it’s pressing: lord do I appreciate that. *sigh* there is just like sooo much i *want* to say cause i could use some feedback, but… *deep sigh* guess i should get busy so i can maybe get a few hours sleep before they get here tomorrow. (8)

Damn’ well done, (8). Baba Yaga

Response:

Question:

sp for *nger, s*dness, scdl ideation (am safe for now), self-h*tred, si (not too gr*phic), sa, sx (vanilla), c*ssing.. no splats below 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 I don’t wanna have to work so hard not to switch when I’m with colleagues.  I don’t wanna have to make accomodations for everyone inside me!  How the FUCK am I supposed to get a full-time job when it’s a full-time job to keep us sane?!?!  But I can’t live here with my folks forever.. it’s NOT that safe of an environment.  My mother is NOT stable and has rages several times a week.  But rent in this area can easily be $650 or $700 or MORE for a 1-bedroom in an area that’s not completely crime ridden.  I don’t have to have the top of the line apartment but I want a safe neighborhood for god’s sake. I work with some REALLY cool people who are around my age and yet I feel like I can’t really go out after work with them because it takes *SO* much extra energy not to switch.. it takes *SO* much work to keep up that mask with people who don’t know I’m multiple and I just don’t have that extra energy to give right now.  Not when my meds are so fucked up while they’re switching them around. I don’t want to do this fight anymore.  I have kids who feel untouchable.  Who feel so stained and dirty that it’s in their bones. That no matter how many baths, showers, etc. they have, they won’t be clean.  I feel like a whore more days than not right now.  I want to die so often.. it’s *SO* hard to stay safe.  I drive over a river on the highway on the way to work each time and so many times I’ve thought about running off the road into the water… I just don’t wanna do this fight anymore. I’m isolating myself again… I talk to my boyfriend and my one really close friend here in Michigan and that’s about it.  I talk to my parents and brother only cuz we live in the same house.  Most of the time I spend in my bedroom with the door shut.. did that as a kid too.  I haven’t talked to any of my friends in NY since I moved home except jt and I’ve cut myself off from them even somewhat… I don’t feel worthy of having people care about me.. I don’t feel worth caring about or loving.  I feel like I’m covered in filth that has stained me so deep inside that it’s impossible to get clean.. I don’t have any hope right now (‘cept the lil girl we found the other day inside whose name is Hope.  She embodies hope in us.. but without meds, we can’t feel her or find her.) I feel like I should die so I’m not bothering anyone anymore or being a burden to anyone anymore.  And yet, I love my SO and I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" sex life with him.  He’s *SO* gentle and loving with us.. He’s wonderful if we have to stop in the middle.. but DAMN IT, I want to be able to make love with him when I WANT to.. I’m TIRED of having to stop in the middle… I’m TIRED of the flashbacks and   nightmares and shit. I don’t wanna do this anymore…. I don’t wanna fight anymore… rainstar — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

We here understand completely these feelings. We have a little extra space in the stuff we are dragging along if you want to give us some of yours to carry for a while. Maybe it would help?  Just reach over to where we are and give us a couple of the awful stuffs and we will try to make your load lighter for a bit. jane who cares about you. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – sp for *nger, s*dness, scdl ideation (am safe for now), self-h*tred, si (not too gr*phic), sa, sx (vanilla), c*ssing.. no splats below 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 I don’t wanna have to work so hard not to switch when I’m with colleagues.  I don’t wanna have to make accomodations for everyone inside me!  How the FUCK am I supposed to get a full-time job when it’s a full-time job to keep us sane?!?!  But I can’t live here with my folks forever.. it’s NOT that safe of an environment.  My mother is NOT stable and has rages several times a week.  But rent in this area can easily be $650 or $700 or MORE for a 1-bedroom in an area that’s not completely crime ridden.  I don’t have to have the top of the line apartment but I want a safe neighborhood for god’s sake. I work with some REALLY cool people who are around my age and yet I feel like I can’t really go out after work with them because it takes *SO* much extra energy not to switch.. it takes *SO* much work to keep up that mask with people who don’t know I’m multiple and I just don’t have that extra energy to give right now.  Not when my meds are so fucked up while they’re switching them around. I don’t want to do this fight anymore.  I have kids who feel untouchable.  Who feel so stained and dirty that it’s in their bones. That no matter how many baths, showers, etc. they have, they won’t be clean.  I feel like a whore more days than not right now.  I want to die so often.. it’s *SO* hard to stay safe.  I drive over a river on the highway on the way to work each time and so many times I’ve thought about running off the road into the water… I just don’t wanna do this fight anymore. I’m isolating myself again… I talk to my boyfriend and my one really close friend here in Michigan and that’s about it.  I talk to my parents and brother only cuz we live in the same house.  Most of the time I spend in my bedroom with the door shut.. did that as a kid too.  I haven’t talked to any of my friends in NY since I moved home except jt and I’ve cut myself off from them even somewhat… I don’t feel worthy of having people care about me.. I don’t feel worth caring about or loving.  I feel like I’m covered in filth that has stained me so deep inside that it’s impossible to get clean.. I don’t have any hope right now (‘cept the lil girl we found the other day inside whose name is Hope.  She embodies hope in us.. but without meds, we can’t feel her or find her.) I feel like I should die so I’m not bothering anyone anymore or being a burden to anyone anymore.  And yet, I love my SO and I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" sex life with him.  He’s *SO* gentle and loving with us.. He’s wonderful if we have to stop in the middle.. but DAMN IT, I want to be able to make love with him when I WANT to.. I’m TIRED of having to stop in the middle… I’m TIRED of the flashbacks and   nightmares and shit. I don’t wanna do this anymore…. I don’t wanna fight anymore… rainstar

Response:

I have just got a new job and I am scared. I know how you feel. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – sp for *nger, s*dness, scdl ideation (am safe for now), self-h*tred, si (not too gr*phic), sa, sx (vanilla), c*ssing.. no splats below 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 I don’t wanna have to work so hard not to switch when I’m with colleagues.  I don’t wanna have to make accomodations for everyone inside me!  How the FUCK am I supposed to get a full-time job when it’s a full-time job to keep us sane?!?!  But I can’t live here with my folks forever.. it’s NOT that safe of an environment.  My mother is NOT stable and has rages several times a week.  But rent in this area can easily be $650 or $700 or MORE for a 1-bedroom in an area that’s not completely crime ridden.  I don’t have to have the top of the line apartment but I want a safe neighborhood for god’s sake. I work with some REALLY cool people who are around my age and yet I feel like I can’t really go out after work with them because it takes *SO* much extra energy not to switch.. it takes *SO* much work to keep up that mask with people who don’t know I’m multiple and I just don’t have that extra energy to give right now.  Not when my meds are so fucked up while they’re switching them around. I don’t want to do this fight anymore.  I have kids who feel untouchable.  Who feel so stained and dirty that it’s in their bones. That no matter how many baths, showers, etc. they have, they won’t be clean.  I feel like a whore more days than not right now.  I want to die so often.. it’s *SO* hard to stay safe.  I drive over a river on the highway on the way to work each time and so many times I’ve thought about running off the road into the water… I just don’t wanna do this fight anymore. I’m isolating myself again… I talk to my boyfriend and my one really close friend here in Michigan and that’s about it.  I talk to my parents and brother only cuz we live in the same house.  Most of the time I spend in my bedroom with the door shut.. did that as a kid too.  I haven’t talked to any of my friends in NY since I moved home except jt and I’ve cut myself off from them even somewhat… I don’t feel worthy of having people care about me.. I don’t feel worth caring about or loving.  I feel like I’m covered in filth that has stained me so deep inside that it’s impossible to get clean.. I don’t have any hope right now (‘cept the lil girl we found the other day inside whose name is Hope.  She embodies hope in us.. but without meds, we can’t feel her or find her.) I feel like I should die so I’m not bothering anyone anymore or being a burden to anyone anymore.  And yet, I love my SO and I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" sex life with him.  He’s *SO* gentle and loving with us.. He’s wonderful if we have to stop in the middle.. but DAMN IT, I want to be able to make love with him when I WANT to.. I’m TIRED of having to stop in the middle… I’m TIRED of the flashbacks and  nightmares and shit. I don’t wanna do this anymore…. I don’t wanna fight anymore… rainstar — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – sp for *nger, s*dness, scdl ideation (am safe for now), self-h*tred, si (not too gr*phic), sa, sx (vanilla), c*ssing.. no splats below 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 I don’t wanna have to work so hard not to switch when I’m with colleagues.  I don’t wanna have to make accomodations for everyone inside me!  How the FUCK am I supposed to get a full-time job when it’s a full-time job to keep us sane?!?!  But I can’t live here with my folks forever.. it’s NOT that safe of an environment.  My mother is NOT stable and has rages several times a week.  But rent in this area can easily be $650 or $700 or MORE for a 1-bedroom in an area that’s not completely crime ridden.  I don’t have to have the top of the line apartment but I want a safe neighborhood for god’s sake. I work with some REALLY cool people who are around my age and yet I feel like I can’t really go out after work with them because it takes *SO* much extra energy not to switch.. it takes *SO* much work to keep up that mask with people who don’t know I’m multiple and I just don’t have that extra energy to give right now.  Not when my meds are so fucked up while they’re switching them around. I don’t want to do this fight anymore.  I have kids who feel untouchable.  Who feel so stained and dirty that it’s in their bones. That no matter how many baths, showers, etc. they have, they won’t be clean.  I feel like a whore more days than not right now.  I want to die so often.. it’s *SO* hard to stay safe.  I drive over a river on the highway on the way to work each time and so many times I’ve thought about running off the road into the water… I just don’t wanna do this fight anymore. I’m isolating myself again… I talk to my boyfriend and my one really close friend here in Michigan and that’s about it.  I talk to my parents and brother only cuz we live in the same house.  Most of the time I spend in my bedroom with the door shut.. did that as a kid too.  I haven’t talked to any of my friends in NY since I moved home except jt and I’ve cut myself off from them even somewhat… I don’t feel worthy of having people care about me.. I don’t feel worth caring about or loving.  I feel like I’m covered in filth that has stained me so deep inside that it’s impossible to get clean.. I don’t have any hope right now (‘cept the lil girl we found the other day inside whose name is Hope.  She embodies hope in us.. but without meds, we can’t feel her or find her.) I feel like I should die so I’m not bothering anyone anymore or being a burden to anyone anymore.  And yet, I love my SO and I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" sex life with him.  He’s *SO* gentle and loving with us.. He’s wonderful if we have to stop in the middle.. but DAMN IT, I want to be able to make love with him when I WANT to.. I’m TIRED of having to stop in the middle… I’m TIRED of the flashbacks and   nightmares and shit. I don’t wanna do this anymore…. I don’t wanna fight anymore… rainstar

oh, rainstar, me too. I went to a meeting the other day and got to talk with professionals and got to speak to a group of people and advocate for youth and it was _so_ _good._ But da kids got all scared. I’m so tired of it. It’s like living with a roommate who goes everywhere with me and just screams and screams and screams. i don’t want to deal with that trauma. i just want her out of my house, so i can work full-time and have friends and help people. its too hard managing the screaming. makes me cry. This can’t possibly be my life. No. I don’t want my job to be hangin out with terrified crying internal kids and even babies. i want to be normal too. I want to d*e sometimes too. i want to go to sleep and wake up as somebody else, someobody more whole. Thanks for sharing. y’ can talk to me if you want, email me or whatever. Please dont die yet, give it time to get better, k? I’d like to know you.

Response:

alt.support.dissociation: I don’t wanna do this anymore…. I don’t wanna fight anymore… rainstar

Sympathies with that. You are worthy of being cared about.  All of you, even the bits which feel most soiled. Baba Yaga

Response: