Question:
As I am not sure exactly what I am going to say, I am going to put in a trigger space 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 I had a very strange week. I was back on the road again. I have been on the road so much in the last 2 months it is really affecting my system. Funny thing is I use to love to travel. (then again I didn’t travel all the time back then) I am trying to keep things together as I am working on a big work project. (is the reason why I have been travelling so much) A couple of weeks ago when I was in Chicago I had a terrible time with dissing. In one day I lost my wallet & locked my car keys in my car. I was a mess. I felt totally disconnected from the world around me. That has become normal for when I travel too much. This week I had a different time of situation occur. It started on Monday, I noticed as I was driving to work. (I left for my trip on Wednesday morning) As I was driving, I noticed my right arm from the elbow down felt numb. It was as if it wasn’t attached to my body. I don’t ever recall having this kind of feeling before. (then again with my swiss cheese memory that isn’t unusual) So I kind of rubbed it trying to bring the feeling back. I kind of dismissed it as maybe it was in awkward position and lack of circulation. It didn’t feel exactly like that but it seemed reasonable. I left for my trip on Wednesday morning and things seemed to be okay. I worked all day & had dinner with a friend that evening. I was just feeling a bit odd & out of sorts but nothing too bothersome. Internally I seemed okay & didn’t have any chaos, we seemed peaceful so I didn’t give it a lot of thought. So I went about my bizness and tried to keep my focus on my work project. I got a voicemail from my T, concerned about my sudden cancellation. So I called her back & left her a message. After I got off the phone I realized she is going to think I am a space cadet. When I was trying to talk about what had happened that week. (last minute phone call, I had to go to Houston etc) I was stumbling all over the place for what day it was, the dates, times etc. I was having a terrible time trying to place myself in reference to days & time. I was just having this odd feeling inside. I was in chaos which trips usually throw me in. I felt all together, even though I sensed I wasn’t. I just couldn’t put a finger on what was going on. After I left the voicemail for my T, my friend that I had dinner with sent me an e-mail asking me if I was okay. I told her I was feeling odd, but why would you be so concerned. (she is aware of my situation with DID & dissociation) She said well you just up and dramatically changed on Wednesday night at dinner. She said 1 minute you seemed yourself and the next minute you became very quiet & withdrawn– it was like you weren’t all there. So I said I would have to think on it, that yes I am okay– just feeling odd but not sure what is going on yet. I did appreciate her pointing out to me what she saw. (heck I can’t see the forest because of the trees sometimes) What was weird is I didn’t think I had been all that different at dinner. I saw myself as behaving the same way throughout dinner, so it was interesting to hear that I did seem to change. Was it a switch? I have no idea? I guess one of my biggest stumbling blocks to accepting that I could possibly be DID is the fact, I don’t have usual black out periods– where I switch and don’t know when & how I got somewhere. My T hasn’t even been able to identify if I am really DID. That yes I do have a lot of the symptoms & fractured sense of self etc. Could it be because I am co-consciousness? Oh well I got off the topic there for a minute. :) I am so easily distracted. So Thursday afternoon I went back to my hotel room & was typing out some e-mails and it occured to me that both my arms felt numb, the same feeling I had on Monday. As if they weren’t even attached to my body. I had this really odd sensation inside, it was as if <I was buried deep down inside and was seeing the world from a distance. I find it very hard to describe these feelings, it is as if my words are inadequate. It felt so much like I wasn’t even connected to my body. I also wasn’t connected to time, or that I was standing outside of time. It was the eeriest sensation. It didn’t scare me per se and my lil ones didn’t seem to mind it — as I didn’t have any chaos inside, or internal chatter. So I ended up taking a hot bubble bath hoping that would reconnect me to myself and it did help a bit. I didn’t notice it so much on Friday, but then again I was so busy to really pay attention & I also knew I was going home. Now that I am home I am feeling much more connected to things. Funny thing on this trip, I was very mindful of my wallet & my keys. I was double and triple checking to make sure I had everything.
Response:
Hi trill-
I write pretty much anything anyone will pay me for, as well as stuff for my pleasure, which once in a while brings in a buck or two — fiction, poetry, personal essays.
A lot of my writing seems to be an attempt to construct a coherent, not linear, but at least progressive (if you can follow my intent, here) narrative of my life. My life, without that narrative, seems fragmented and full of unfinished detours that I often cannot trace or follow.
I usually write to express myself and my experience. It is also a way to problem solve. Do you write, clara? Do you teach? What do you do with literature?
I write contemporary short fiction. I am not sure if I want to teach. At first I wanted to go into linguistics. I also wanted to be a writer. Now I am just happy to survive the day. I think I will go back to school when things are better. Teaching sounds like fun, except for the worry about being with lots of people and worries about our mental history following us. I like to read literature. My favorite authors are G’briel G’rcia M’rquez and Banana Y’shimoto (splatted for s’arch eng’nes). I think that is great that you teach comparative literature. I think that Latin American literature is a lot different than American literature. I could talk about this all day, so I had better stop. -clara
Response:
What you say reminds me of states I find myself in from time to time in which I can’t figure out what time it is, what day, month, or even year. On a couple of occasions I actually felt confused about the century. I don’t mean referring to this brand new one as the 20th, but I mean getting uncertain about stuff like what technological era I was in. Along with this I can become confused about what country I’m in and what language I’m supposed to be thinking in. Sometimes I hear thoughts/voices in Spanish. Sometimes I think in Spanish and hear in English… I get very confused and immobilized. Or I get very confused and watch myself from I don’t know where as I carry on conversations with myself. Recently this type of thing happened to me a lot when I went to movies. After several efforts to keep it under control I’ve given up going to movies. I love the cinema, so it’s a big loss, but I can’t stand the experience being in the dark and then surrounded by a fantasy environment seems to create in me. These are the type of "dissociative" events that make me scared and insecure about my sanity. When they happen I find it difficult to keep faith that I will be able to direct and steer my own life, ever. They make me wonder how I’ve managed to accomplish any of what I already have accomplished in my life. I also get the thing where I don’t know about how I got to where I find myself behind the steering wheel at… You seem so much calmer about it all than I that I want to ask your secret for equilibrium. trill * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Hi safari and trill-
Sometimes I hear thoughts/voices in Spanish. Sometimes I think in Spanish and hear in English… I get very confused and immobilized.
I personally think in English, but I do hear Spanish inside, and sometimes Spanglish, and sometimes I too get confused and start losing the distinction and start combining English, Spanish, German, and Italian. Are you latina? I got my AA in English last summer, so it would be nice to know there was another literary-minded latina in asd. I wonder if there are any other English majors / writers / teachers in asd? I think I remember Cal wrote poetry. Anyone else? -clara
Response:
clara I am not latina. I teach comparative literature at a university. One of the comparisons that I work with is between Latin American and U.S.A. literature. I lived in Central America for a year in the 80s, working as a broadcast journalist. The neighborhood I currently live in is largely latino. Street signs and store signs and other public communication is bilingual. I also write. I write pretty much anything anyone will pay me for, as well as stuff for my pleasure, which once in a while brings in a buck or two — fiction, poetry, personal essays. A lot of my writing seems to be an attempt to construct a coherent, not linear, but at least progressive (if you can follow my intent, here) narrative of my life. My life, without that narrative, seems fragmented and full of unfinished detours that I often cannot trace or follow. Do you write, clara? Do you teach? What do you do with literature? trill * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
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